Easy, Tiger!

Redux.

2010-09-20T02:56:00.000-04:00

I've left this place woefully unattended. Nearly a year since my last visit at all and, worse still, it comes not from a lack of interest or desire, but from a sheer incapability to write anything at all. More of a writer's ten car pile up than a simple block. That said, with the new school semester begun and an almost unbelievable amount of creative work expected of me, I've decided to revive this blog and use it as a host to whatever escapes me, scholastic or non. As for the more personal items, my tumblr (javex.tumblr.com) will suffice.

I hope you'll forgive my months of neglect, but it certainly is nice to be back in action.

Music, 2009

2009-12-05T04:01:00.000-05:00

Cross-posted from the Caves of Narshe, here is my massive collection of thoughts toward the best ten or so albums to be released in 2009. Now, of course the year isn't over yet and this isn't to say they were the ONLY albums I enjoyed this year, however, they're the ones that got the most play. I realize most of you don't care enough to read this, fewer still have the patience, so feel free to skip through to your heart's content. With that, let's get started!

Metric - Fantasies
This truly has been a huge year for bands with female vocalists. That being said, I think it only appropriate to begin my list with the best of that class. This album is a much more mature production from the band, in terms of lyrical and song content, but also in production value. It's certainly a much more refined, elegant body of work than the usual raw-quality most Metric albums have had in the past. Full of synth-pop hooks and brilliant vocal deliveries, Fantasies is without a doubt one of the most impressive releases to come out in '09. If you bought this album over iTunes, you'd have also received acoustic versions of "Gimme Sympathy" and "Help, I'm Alive". Both of which are absolutely haunting and brilliant.
Recommended Listening: Satellite Mind, Gimme Sympathy (acoustic version)

Tegan & Sara - Sainthood
Forgoing their old, simpler format of acoustic guitars and the occasional drum beat, these two sisters have really come a long way over the years. Sainthood, I think, is Tegan & Sara at their very best, which is saying quite a mouthful because their last album, The Con, remains one of my favorite albums of all time. Like Metric, they decided on going with a larger production and a fuller sound, invoking several 80's pop themes in subdued, approachable fashion. Ever featuring their now signature alternating, harmonal vocal delivery, it would be an understatement to say Tegan and Sara really delivered the goods here.
Recommended Listening: Hell, Alligator, Arrow

Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career
This album is nothing short of spectacular. Featuring a sound that can only be described as a modern throwback to 50's rock with a hint of cabaret and tied together with a brilliant vocal delivery by Tracyanne Campbell, this album exists in a category of it's own. I guess that's to be expected when you get produced by Jari Haapalainen of The Bear Quartet and feature appearances by Björn Yttling, of Peter Bjorn and John. Each song stands well on it's own right, but more impressively, they all flow brilliantly one into another, all without making their style come off as forced or gimmicky. Warm, easy to listen to and vastly approachable, this belongs in everyone's library.
Recommended Listening: French Navy, The Sweetest Thing, Careless Love

Matt & Kim - Grand
It's hard to describe all the things that define Matt & Kim musically. They're energetic and frantic, yet artful in their delivery and intensely catchy. Grand is a lo-fi example of what the indie scene ought to be; a perfect amalgamation of concept and content. It's got spunk and a care-free sort of feel that makes this album more approachable than their previous release, so I would definitely recommend this body of work as a starting point to anyone unfamiliar with their music. My only complaint is that the album as a whole is very short, each song generally being anywhere from just over a minute to just under 3. As a whole, the album spans just under half an hour. This, however, is only a minor tick on an otherwise brilliant album.
Recommended Listening: Daylight, I'll Take Us Home, Lesson Learned

Lights - The Listening
This girl just absolutely knows how to compose catchy songs. Her songs are simple, though masterfully composed, and rely heavily on synth-powered electronic riffs layered on top of each other. What really impresses me about Lights is the way she manages to keep her material easy to listen to and not overly electronic, especially in today's world of heavily abused auto-tune, drum machines and techno-beats. There's something very relaxed to her approach that sets this album apart from the others. She's definitely an artist to keep an eye on in the future.
Recommended Listening: River, Saviour, The Last Thing On Your Mind, Lions!

Passion Pit - Manners
Shock! Another electro-pop, indie band! When Passion Pit released their Chunk of Change EP at the tail-end of 2008, I was sure that their upcoming album was going to be great. In this, I was not disappointed. I don't know how else to describe Manners except as a decadent. It's clear that this was an album made with the intention of pushing the boundaries of what people would except from the genre, and while sometimes it comes off a little strong, or "indie-for-the-sake-of-indie", it's still a brilliant collection of tunes that you cannot help but want to dance to.
Recommended Listening: Moth's Wings, To Kingdom Come, Little Secrets

Taking Back Sunday - New Again
The fourth album release from the Long Island based pop-punk powerhouse group, and the first album featuring new guitarist Matthew Fazzi, formerly of Facing New York. This album features everything you could ever expect from Taking Back Sunday: clever lyrics, catchy riffs and brilliant vocals. This album thematically takes a step away from their usual niche, and is a much more personal work. For example, the track Capital M-E deal with the departure of their former guitarist, or Lonely, Lonely dealing with the solitude of being on the road, away from home for months on end, constantly surrounded by strangers. Of the albums included in this list, New Again has definitely been listened to the most. What particularly stands out about New Again is the tone; the guitars especially are less gritty and offer a much cleaner take of the same beloved style. It's a subtle difference, but it helps hold this album above some of their other works.
Recommended Tracks: New Again, Cut Me Up Jenny, Summer Man

Every Time I Die - New Junk Aesthetic
The definitive hardcore album of the last two years, to say the very least. This album is innovative, aggressive, witty and unforgettable. Drawing from mathcore, southern rock and with a pop sensibility that makes this album less intimidating than any of their previous works, it'd be an understatement to say Every Time I Die had outdone themselves when they made this album. Opting to have it recorded at a local, low-end studio, the album has the sort of sound you'd attribute to a live-recording without losing anything in clarity. As a result, it's a much more raw sounding body of work, and the high energy of their live performances carries through.
Recommended Listening: The Marvelous Slut, Wanderlust, Who Invited The Russian Soldier?

Between the Buried and Me - The Great Misdirect
This album is probably the only metal album that was released this year that impressed me at all. I don't know if this is because the genre as a whole has become an overwhelming disappointment or because these guys, without fail, produce brilliant and mind blowing music. Every time they release an album, I find myself saying "There is no possible way their next album can top this!" Well, they somehow manage to do so each and every time. I submit that their drummer is a robot, because the speed and precision he plays with, combined with the complex nature of what he plays is outright impossible for any human man to accomplish. The same, of course, can be said for any member of this band, however. It's hard for me to talk about anything this band does without gushing, I just love them that much. The Great Misdirect takes their eclectic style one step further, offering fewer songs though much longer in length, and each with several self-contained changes of pace. This album is only six-songs long, however, in a Dream Theatre like fashion, each song is anywhere between seven minutes to thirteen, and they do so without ever feeling like the song is dragging on or getting repetitive.
Recommended Listening: Swim to the Moon, Desert of Song, Fossil Genera - A Feed From Cloud Mountain

Moneen - The World I Want To Leave Behind
Moneen hasn't put out an album since their 2006 release, 'The Red Tree". So, suffice it to say that I eagerly awaited the release of this album for some time now. It, in terms of style, is very similar to the previous album, featuring heavy use of melodic guitar riffs, energetic drum riffs and layered vocal lines. A mix between post-hardcore and pop-punk, this album appeals to fans of the genre, but I would definitely recommend it to someone who otherwise would never give it the chance. Definitely a more mature body of work than their previous albums, it resembles the Vheissu album released by Thrice some time ago.
Recommended Listening: The Long Count, Hold That Sound, The Glass House

This Will Destroy You - Field Studies EP (feat. Lymbyc Systym)
These guys are masters of post-rock in a way that no words can do justice. Take the best of Explosions in the Sky, add the soundscaping, atmospheric qualities of Mogwai, then add a twist of warm summer nights and you have this band. This E.P. expands on the post-rock genre by including subdued electronica overtones and a hint of raw, garage rock styled drumming in a way that feels synthetic to the music. This album is essentially the perfect soundtrack to any evening, and frequently used by yours truly whenever studying, reading, or writing. A must have for anyone who appreciates post-rock.
Recommended Listening: Narita, Brutalism & The Worship Of The Machine
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Disappointments of the year:

Muse - The Resistance
I really tried to like this album. Honestly, I did. In the time leading up to it, based solely off the single, I expected something equally as brilliant as their past works. Why wouldn't I, after all, Muse had yet to disappoint me. Well, it happened. Once the initial "this is Muse, therefore this must be excellent" wore off, the album grew to be quite stale and, if I wasn't already a fan of the band, would find this body of work entirely unapproachable. The music comes off as artful for the sake of being so in that everything is completely over the top. Now, that isn't always a bad thing, but here it's just too much. As it is now, the only tracks I enjoy are Uprising and MK Ultra. The rest have sadly just fallen flat.

The Fall of Troy - In The Unlikely Event
I expected this, as I was not at all a fan of Manipulator, their last official album. What small glimmer of hope I had in this band returning to their old ways when they released Phantoms on the Horizon vanished as soon as I heard the opening track to this epic let down. The frantic guitar playing has become predictable and boring, the eclectic, raw nature that once defined their music has been dumbed down, stripped and made into standard song progressions, even the singing has become softer. There isn't a single track on this album that honestly sounds like The Fall of Troy to me, and it's heartbreaking. Doppelganger is still one of my favorite albums of the last decade, so it pains me to see this band fall so far.

Dredg - The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion
I have no idea what happened to this band. Catch Without Arms was a masterpiece and probably one of the best examples of functional art rock. Each song held it's own as unique and unforgettable. On this album, however, not a single track stands out. No hooks, no chills, no moments where I'd need to sit down, just the overwhelming desire to pretend this album never happened.

Thrice - Beggars
After the Alchemy Index, I knew it would be difficult for Thrice to release something as impressive, and certainly it'd take them some time to compose any worthwhile material. It seems that instead, they opted quantity over quality, pumping out this album less than a year after the release of their final Alchemy Index collection. The result is something listenable, but lackluster. Most of these songs fall flat, lacking the drive of previous works from this once great band. I hope they find their grove again.

Weezer - Raditude
This band used to be the epitome of cool. Especially during the high school years, I don't think there was a single band that brought people together like Weezer did. Their music was catchy without sacrificing substance, simplistic and rocking all the same. Raditude is the natural progression from their last album, which was equally unimpressive and just as heart breaking. I keep hoping that Rivers will come up with another Maladroit and it sadly never happens.

AFI - Crashlove
With the incredible collection of music that was Decemberunderground and AFI's general tendency to never disappoint, I was very excited about the release of this album. Especially since this band has never kept a specific format for more than an album, making them one of the more difficult groups to classify. Well, this album is disappointingly classifiable enough: it sucks. Gone are the sing-a-long choruses that made their songs so infectious or the clever lyrics that set Davey Havok apart as a brilliant songwriter. This was, for me, the most heartbreaking release of 2009.
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Honorable mentions for notably good albums that I enjoyed but didn't end up at the top of my list:

Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca
Ghinzu - Mirror, Mirror
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
MSTRKRFT - Fist of God
Oceansize - Home and Minor ep
Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest
HORSE the band - DesPirate Living
The Bird and the Bee - Ray Guns Are Not Just The Future
Morrissey - Years of Refusal
Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Its Blitz!

Terrible! How Terrible For The Great City!

2009-10-07T02:49:00.002-04:00

I've begun each entry of late with an apology for my lack of updates. To be perfectly honest, I've made many an attempt to fill this little white box with all the clever words I could muster, but always, my fingers found their way back to the delete key.

I'm never satisfied. But hey, I'm human! And like every other creature, I'm deeply, deeply flawed. I can't help it, only do my best to make good on the things I have.

October 26th is fast approaching; another birthday to be had. Saying that I'm absolutely mortified about this would be a grand understatement. I'm getting old. Too old, I think, for my tastes. Thus, I've decided that from this year onward, I'll subtract a year from my total rather than add one on. Coupled with heavy drinking, subconscious suggestion and preferably a mad scientist's formula for eternal youth, I'll have this crisis averted yet.

In the mean time, I'll just have to accept yet another truth: I'm a 10 year old trapped in the body of a 22 year old. I still prefer chocolate milk and apple juice to most beverages, I still highly enjoy Saturday morning cartoons, video games and all the childishness you'd expect of someone who could never really grow up. So this year, rather than wish me "happy birthday!" I'd much prefer if you simply wished me "Good Luck!" dealing with this.

I always imagined that by 22, I'd be mostly or completely done with school, have a career in front of me and a life of relative ease. Clearly, I had my life mistaken for someone else's. Graduation is something that is still light years away from where I am now, further still if I commit to the chances I'm considering taking. Don't get me wrong, I know that nothing ever goes according to plan and life is certainly more interesting this way, but once upon a time, I had different dreams.

Now, the only thing I seem to wish for is a freaking zombie apocalypse. (Any moment now would be nice.)

At least I've got my heart. Five months in is fairly impressive, I'd say! She keeps me moving forward, one heart-beat at a time.

An Old Codfish.

2009-08-23T00:11:00.002-04:00

I believe, with the utmost conviction, that we are infinitely wiser as children than we could ever hope to be with age, through schooling or any manner of experience. We possessed an unfaltering appreciation of the world around us, a wonder and love for the things that now seem so mundane or trivial, an insatiable curiosity and absolutely no fear whatsoever of the unknown. We'd scrape our knees, but the pain would pass in moments and we'd be smiling again as if we never fell at all. Our spirits were unbreakable and we loved without reservation or hesitation. Completely and utterly.

That certainty is something I'll forever miss. All children, save one, grow old and must eventually lose themselves, for certainly we are lost. Try as I might to recapture that wonder, that fearlessness, we all fall victim to the burdens and responsibilities that have become our day-to-day lives. Fear to keep us docile; repetition ad nauseam.

All this to say that I have come to feel comfortable with being completely at odds with myself and that worries me greatly. I'm spouting ideas that hardly even make sense in order to relay the idea that I, for all my egotism, have lost sight of that which defined me for so very long and find my own skin to be quite strange. I'm retracing steps in hopes of finding my way back home to Never-Land, though it seems I've run completely out of pixie dust or happy thoughts.

What's a boy to do?

Where Has The Time Gone?

2009-08-05T00:04:00.004-04:00

A thousand times again, forgive me. I don't know how I let it come to pass that July would fly by and catch me here without a single blog entry. Verily, I have failed you, my beloved readers. Alas, I know I left you on baited breath, waiting for some sign of life and left you without so much as a few cobbled, witty remarks. If it's all the same to you, I'd very much like to go on about our business as if this whole sordid affair never did transpire.

In other words, let's get back to the task at hand!

Someone said something today that struck a nerve. It was something to this extent:

"Kids these days, they're so narcissistic. Everything is about them, their needs, their wants, their internet and their damn social lives. It's pathetic. Back in my time, we did productive things! We went to church, we respected those around us, we didn't ask questions or act like we had the answers to everything and we didn't need to broadcast to the world every tiny little detail of our lives!"

Fueled by my general love for confrontation and the fact that this stranger had, in very many regions of his broad and very ignorant statement, attacked my own character, I decided to have a little bit of fun.

"Does loving myself make me narcissistic? Does having the entire wealth of knowledge stored upon the internet, thus having access to information you'd never dream of mean nothing? We question things because we know better than to trust things at face value. We read, we write, we socialize, we contribute and we grow into the roles that you need to keep your precious world together. That very same world is the one we'll inherit, complete with all your mistakes and misgivings, so forgive us if we're only concerned with our own lives, wants and needs. We'll be spending the rest of our lives catering to yours, so please, indulge us."

Apparently this man was genuinely surprised to hear my rebuttal, as his face visibly paled and his mouth was left agape. One would have assumed he'd expect no less from a creature so completely in love with himself. Better still was the fact that he shrugged me off and, as many before him often do, replied with a simple statement:

"You'll change your mind when you're older, you'll complain just the same about your children and you'll come to understand that the only things you can trust in are your family and God."

I can't begrudge this as I'm sure that if I've ever the misfortune of children, I'll definitely loathe them something terrible. Oh, it won't be their fault, to be sure! I just can't be expected to love anything other than myself, apparently.

Now, on to personal matters!

Today, a computer tower was dropped onto my right hand. Excruciating, let me tell you. It turned several shades of yellow and blue and began to swell into quite a mess. Just when I thought my aches and pains were over, a shelf collapsed onto my head, aggravating an already bad headache into a full-on migraine, bumping my poor skull and, worst of all, forced me to bite down on my tongue. Thankfully, I didn't sever the thing, but I still bled quite a bit. If there has been any constant in my life, it is that I am a human accident magnet.

After finishing work, I went to have my hand checked out. If you've read my blog for some time, or know me personally, you'd know I have a terrible fear of hospitals, clinics and any other building associated with practiced medicine. So, shaking like a little girl being stared down by a pedo in a dark alley, I struggled to find the patience to wait my turn and hear this bitter, snarky old woman tell me to "Stop being a baby and put some ice on it, the swelling would go down."

Again, I couldn't hold my tongue.

"Thank you, Dr. Douchebag! Did you learn this sage-like advice while in Med. school, or was it your many years in practice that developed your keen eye and wonderful diagnostic and healing ability?"

It felt good, I can assure you of that.

At any rate, I now find myself at home, writing to you of my darling adventures. I had missed you, dear readers. I hope this entry finds you all in good health and cheer. Until next time, which I promise you will be soon!

p.s. Caspian, the band, is absolutely my new obsession. I've only rediscovered them, having never really given them the chance the first time around. Truely beautiful instrumental post-rock. You should all check out their album, "The Four Trees."

A Letter To Her;

2009-06-29T05:43:00.004-04:00

I've always been, at heart, much more a fighter than a lover. Oh, sure, I pride myself on a clever tongue and an impossibly quick wit, but these tools have always been put to much less romantically inclined use. Do I regret now, being in the position wherein I must act for greater goods and put selves before my own, not having done so earlier? No. Of course not. Loving and Fighting are two incredibly similar things, after all.

Still, I had a finer appreciation of the game when my own heart was not the ante on the table. I suppose it's the nature of the beast! All the same, it's leading to a place I've never been and I fear that my lack of direction will send us down paths better left untrodden.

I'm teaching myself the fine art of holding my tongue and learned to silence the massive monster that is my ego. Still, I'm left with that bittersweet feeling that it could never be enough to make me worthy. That I am, at best, a pale imitation of someone made for this dance. Time alone will tell.

'Til then, I fear my mistakes will be great and many and for them all, regardless of how tiny, I apologize profusely. I can only learn from the knees I scrape in trying to be good enough. I pray you've the patience, because I plan to make it all quite worth the while. Where now, I can't help but cross lines and crawl under your skin, I hope to someday light up your eyes.

All this to say that I've still got a lot to learn, but I'm trying my hardest to be the one whose name you can't keep off your tongue. I promise, I'll be second to none.

2009-06-16T22:49:00.002-04:00

The best things in life become our ultimate downfall. Too much of a good thing is harmful, but what about the road to that point? Equally harmful is the lengths we go to protect those good things, or worse still, the way we come to expect these things to be ours and ours alone.

I've been at a loss for things to say lately, and for that, I apologize. I feel like I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's just that I've hardly been motivated at all to write. That being said, I'm going to start trying new things with this blog; really give it some content.

Until then, try not to let the good things become your vice.

2009-06-04T20:47:00.001-04:00

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”

- Chuck Palahnuik.

Wash His Name Off Your Tongue, I'll Be Second To None!

2009-05-27T03:03:00.004-04:00

When confronted with awkward and, sometimes inconvenient truths, it is often easier to act as if we had never learned it at all, rather than make the necessary changes, or move on. Still, actions will always speak louder than words and nothing learned can quickly be forgotten. That said, what to do when you learn that all is not as it seems? Is it better to always seek the truth, knowing full well that it may do, or worse, undo? Or, is it more prudent to accept what is at face value and await the impending calamity that always is the coming to light of things? After all, nothing stays buried forever. In this electronic, scientific day and age, even secrets taken to the grave may soon be exposed to the light of day. What then?

As a side note, why is it that the present and the past are constantly juxtaposed, or made to be compared? It seems as if there is a rather unsettling habit among people to cherish what was, and through it, downplay what is. Lovers to former lovers, friends to their former selves, or friends who came before them, even homes to former residences. And do we ever really move on, or do we simply look for more of the same? Other things to remind us of what we had, and when that is lost, things to remind us then of those things too.

Can't we ever just be happy with the things we have?

Call it a sin of pride, but especially for me, nothing annoys me more than being compared to another person, or generalized. I feel as if it devalues the individual. Of course many people will have similarities, be they physical or psychological, in our interests or our mannerisms, but that does not equate to us being the same person or type of person. No one should ever be compared to anyone else, as we're all our own beings, complete with our own unique perspective, and should be afforded that basic respect.

I live entirely too much inside my head, I fear it's a result of not having enough to do these long nights. Worse, my sleeping pills have already begun to lose their impact. I'm not to saddened by this, as they tend to induce the most disturbing dreams. Chrissy, if you read this, come chat me up sometime. I had quite an interesting one with you in it.

Despite the bitter overtones in this rant, I've actually been in good spirits lately. Sure, sleep has been all but non-existent and things grow more complicated by the day, but I feel as if it's all looking up. Lots of firsts, lots of new experiences, and strangely, lots of smiles in the life of Jav.

Here's hoping it continues this way.

I'll Put My Money Where My Mouth Is.

2009-05-19T14:54:00.002-04:00

I love the way the very moment you feel as if you finally have your whole life figured out, everything goes absolutely haywire and you find yourself back at the bottom of that deep, dark well, looking for a way to crawl back up. Don't get me wrong, what's life without being constantly kept on your toes? Growing into routine is growing stagnant and terrible for the soul, or so I'm told.
My last entry, I spoke of taking the plunge. Well, I've hit the bottom now and have new heights to aspire to. I'm already loving the view. So far, this vacation is shaping up to be a perfect blend of the good in old things and incredible new adventures.

I know I promised rants and lots of lovely words, but for the most part I've been facing one terrible writer's block. It's actually quite unnerving, being inspired to write but having nothing worth saying! Wine and good cheer make it hard to be fork-tongued and cynical, but I am what I am and eventually it will come out.

So far and as of yet, no real plans for this summer. I don't mind that quite so much at all. Usually all plans made just fall through and things end up getting done in the spur of the moment. That suits me just fine.

It's funny how the moment you try to walk away from people is the same moment they need you back in their lives. I've begun to process of cutting people entirely out of my life again, just because I've come to realize I don't have time entertaining people who see no value in me as a person outside a drinking buddy and source for amusement. I've held my tongue to some people for far too long for the sake of friendships that once were, rather than voicing my growing distaste for them now. I'm done with the social niceties.

The sun HAD been shining just a moment ago, and I'm sad to see it hiding behind clouds and the potential for rain. Bring back the warmth, I need you to shed this cold I've apparently caught from being out in the wet and cold for too long.

Smiles to all.

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

2009-05-08T12:27:00.003-04:00

Rough last few days, and I don't quite yet feel like the storm is over yet. In fact, it seems as if this is only the calm just before the real thunder, lightning and flying cows begin to invade. When it settles, I fully expect not to be in Kansas anymore. (And since I never was in the first place, this is an ambition I can, for once, satisfy! Huzzah for setting your self-standards impossibly low!)

This might just be the prevailing fear of all the "new" things I've recently plunged into; and when I say plunged, I absolutely mean diving headfirst into the unknown without so much as a second-guess. It feels new, exciting and, most surprisingly, terrifying. This is the same boy who thinks of everything as a chance to escape the normal monotony of day-to-day life, and yet here I am! I suppose it's merely because for once, I'm not invincible. The cleverness of me and my indestructible ego can do me no good here. What to do? Things are complicated, but I'm enjoying it. Curious. It seems the heart has temporarily beaten out the brain in this epic struggle.

In the words of another, "I've found a box of sharp objects, what a beautiful thing."

I feel like I owe this blog an actual rant, or rather, something of worth rather than my vague prattlings about a life you can only ever catch in glimpses. I promise, to that extent, that several are on the way. I apologize for the lack of anything interesting! Soon, soon, and more frequent. I've gained back my serpent's tongue!

Stay tuned, loves.

Old Ghosts, New Ideas

2009-04-27T03:59:00.002-04:00

Milan Kundera once said that if something were to only happen once, it may as well have never happened at all. As we, humans, have but one life to live, we may as well have never lived at all for how little influence we could make upon the vast universe. For many, this is a frightening concept. I can understand why! At first glance, it would seem as if this Nietzschian-esque philosophy were outright extreme pessimism at best, nihilistic at it's worst.

For me, however, there could be nothing more encouraging. If I may as well have not existed, if all my choices, all my mistakes and triumphs are to have no overall significance in the grand scheme of things, then I am truly weightless and free to make any choice I desire, as I desire.

In short, I'm fully ready to start taking the sort of risks that would normally give me pause because I've absolutely nothing to lose from the experience. Too often, our fear and worry of failure and consequence act as anchors, keeping us trapped at the bottom of the sea in a crippling sort of stand-still. It's already begun, I think, as I've always been prone to act first and then rationalize my actions later (if at all!).

Growth! Try as I might to fight it, it's inevitable in me. Even Pan, The Avenger became more complex a personality as he met Wendy and interacted with new places and people! So too, then, must I and I'll ride on the backs of all the winds to do so. Happy thoughts and pixie dust.

In case it hasn't already become obvious, my insomnia is absolutely still in full force and my renewed refusal to take sleeping pills has left me feeling rebellious all over again. Consequently, I find myself motivated to write and write and write!

She'll catch his eyes
through empty skies
and light a beacon in the dark.
Hers is the only voice he knows,
His is the only ghost she chose.

A slow waltz,
clumsy steps that lead into
a frantic sort of passionate movement
she's floating, light-footed
he's sinking through the floors.

Outstretched fingers brushing lips,
hushing every sigh, muting every kiss,
giving form and weight and context
to the breeze that bore the flighty heart.
New moons birthing weary eyelids,
resting heads over slowly moving chests,
dancing with every breath.

Still, he'll catch her eyes
though they've dimmed the lights
and line a path back to the cloth.
She'll give a smile, and all the while,
laughter in the dark.

He said he wanted the weight of her,
she said it was never hers to give. "Some
questions are better left unanswered"
"Sometimes it even hurts to laugh"

---------------------------------------

p.s. I think I've fallen.

"Round and round the sun we go; the moon goes round the earth. We do not die of death we die of vertigo!"

2009-04-23T03:32:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, it's hard to not believe in some higher force orchestrating things from afar, because life is far too wicked and ironic for me sometimes. For instance, the night that I cave and finally take my sleeping pills, I spend hugging a toilet because of an unforeseen bad reaction, and so I end up awake anyways. Meanwhile, the night before gave the best sleep I've had in ages, however brief it might have been, and achieved without ever going near those stupid pills.

The family is off in Italy and, as a result, my brother and I have had the home to ourselves entirely. Needless to say, each day has been quite interesting. Since exams ended last week, I've spent a grand total of two days sober. 2/7 isn't so bad at all, I don't think!

I've been spending time outside my usual circle and I've got to say, it's actually very liberating. I've said it before, but meeting new people is always a fun experience for me. Or, just getting to know people that I never took the time to before, equally fulfilling! The point is that boxing myself in was not a wise choice and now I am going to spend days talking to bums, strangers, passerby and anything remotely alive-looking that I come across.

Speaking of bums, what's with homeless people in this town growing more and more bold? Can we not drink in a park in the middle of the afternoon without being accosted by some dumpster-dweller? We understand that we're essentially drinking on your lawn, but asking for my beer is like asking for my HEART. Scratch that, I'd rather give up my pump-organ than my liquid happy. Hilariously enough, he had a nice pair of snake-skin boots.

Not a good year for sports! All my teams were hit with early eliminations! The Giants, Juventus, Liverpool, and now the Canadiens! We're out of the playoffs, but I only just got started growing out a beard and have no desire to shave just yet. So, I've decided that I'm going to continue to carelessly let the face-fuzz run rampant across my visage. The progress will doubtlessly feature on dailybooth at some point or another, so if you're not already on there and following me, what are you waiting for?

We haven't even begun summer yet and already this vacation is shaping out to be infinitely better than the last. I'm strangely at peace with all the occurrences in Javland. Oh, certainly there is drama and due stupidity, but when you don't really much care, it simply becomes entertaining. Or maybe it's just because I'm allegedly a "shitty person" or "the worst person ever", or my personal favorite, "the original asshole." My only regret is that these people don't have the nerve to voice their opinions to my face, so I can better demonstrate my assholery in full-force.

I desperately need new reading material. Late nights are unbearable without a good book to keep my company and I've finished everything on my list of things to read. So, if you've heard of or put down some particularly fun novels lately, throw some suggestions my way! I'll love you forever if you do.

Wolverine: Origins comes out in theatres next week and I am absolutely, positively, utterly and completely beyond excited for this movie. My three favorite Marvel characters on film, two of which appearing for the first time? Gambit and Deadpool equate to fanboy-mode Javex. True story.

and finally, in music land, I am all about four albums right now. Bitte Orca, by the Dirty Projectors, It's Blitz! by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Fantasies by Metric and Chunk of Change by Passion Pit. I recommend all of them to everyone, ever.

And with that, I'm going to go play more RE:5 'til sunrise.
Goodnight, droogs!

Where Can I Find A Woman Like That?

2009-04-16T14:16:00.002-04:00

Quite possibly the greatest song ever written.

Vowels Lost in the Gauze.

2009-04-15T03:25:00.002-04:00

I need to somehow merge sober Jav and head-full-of-liquor Jav into someone who will actually
have the nerve to say and do what I truly, deep down, want to. Until then, many more nights grinding teeth to powder. I'm slowly undoing years worth of conditioning and adaptation, for what?
Well, I'm not sure but it's happening regardless of whether I want it to or not. An adventure! A strange new kind that doesn't require indians or pirates or the Lost Boys (though having them behind me would be of great help.)

I really want to have metal parts. A MegaMan blaster-arm would be essential to the build, along with cool robot eye-glowing scannery-type stuff.

Tonight was strange and interesting and I'm not sure how, exactly, I ended up involved in this but it has been fairly enjoyable. I forgot how much fun spending time with "new" people can be. Making new connections with people is always a fun experiment. The ending kind of fell apart and I'm extremely uncertain as to how I even got home at all. Not sure what it is about me, but I seem to attract all the crazies in this town. While waiting for my bus, someone popped out of a CoucheTard and threatened to cut my head off. Apparently I was giving him dirty looks or something? He ended up throwing a glass bottle in my direction, thankfully not hitting me, and getting pinned to the ground by metro police.

Let it never be said that my life is boring.

Ask No Questions, Tell No Lies.

2009-04-11T20:43:00.004-04:00

There are some things you're better off just not knowing.

Polaroids of Polarbears.

2009-04-11T03:23:00.005-04:00

I've got the first Alexisonfire album blasting and a Foufs-induced headache still pounding away at my brain. Saying that this feels familiar would be a huge under-statement. Still, it was a goodnight! Well worth losing my voice shouting at strangers and singing Spice Girls at the top of my lungs for. (Hilariously, every song I sang before we entered the club was played once we were inside. Ace of Base included.)

I can't help but feel like now that I'm done school for the summer, I've nothing overly productive to do and while at first, I embraced this idea whole-heartedly, I now find myself very much put off by the it. Sure, I've several projects lined up to keep me busy, but frankly, it won't be enough. I don't, however, want to spend my entire summer doing nothing but working as last year went, 'lest I die from boredom and the subsequent lonliness.

Interestingly, I've found a nice, thin, long cut that stretches from the top of my left rib, just under my heart, down to just under the fourth rib moving outward. No idea how I got it, or even when. I hadn't even noticed it until I took a shower earlier and my chest began to sting. (No, I don't often look at mirrors whilst topless.)

Tomorrow, I'm going downtown to trade in my DS Lite for a new, sexy Nintendo DSi. I haven't decided on which colour to get, but it's going to be the new apple of my eye for quite a while to come, especially since my Xbox hasn't come home yet. (Miss you, seXbox.)

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Oh, for those keeping track, I'm still operating on zero sleep. Go me!

I just finished watching Moulin Rouge for the 30th time and I forgot how much I love Ewan McGregan is this movie. Nicole Kidman, not so much. At any rate, what with that tear-jerker ending, I need something violent or funny or both to lighten my spirits.

Or Skins. Because I haven't marathoned the first Generation in a while. (read: few days.)
Or maybe the Sopranos? I haven't watched it over since the series officially ended. (and terribly, I might add.) Mind, I could also go with Roswell. (which makes me think of you, Chrissy.)

Anything, really, to keep me company.

Oh, hey, cool! My nose just started bleeding all on it's own. That's fun! Yet another clear sign that my body is falling apart, I suppose. That and the fact that I found gray hair on my head. Despite my initial joy at the idea of having a head full of grey hair, growing it incredibly long and calling myself Sephiroth, (a joke I think that will go over most of your heads.) it's actually kind of disturbing.

Does anyone remember the Bots Master cartoon from the early 90's? The one that was partially in 3d, so if you bought the toys and had the glasses, you could see the ninja robot jump out at you, or the explosions come out of your tv set? I just found those 3d glasses in a time-capsule shoe-box along with my Sega Game Gear and some comic books (Mostly Deadpool and Gambit. Some things never change.) Anyways, I'm torrenting the entire series now and going to make the most of these glasses. IT'S LASER TIME!!1!!1! (Oh, how I miss corny 90's catch-phrases.)

Have any of you guys ever made yourselves time-capsules? If so, what've you stuck inside 'em if it was recently and if you don't remember, have you ever opened one? I used to make a bunch and left myself treasure maps to them.

Hands Reaching In The Dark.

2009-04-09T04:50:00.004-04:00

Sweet Fred Astaire, you always know exactly what to say. Each movement meticulous and perfect, each line clever and rehearsed. You never miss a beat, never skip a verse. A smile, and subdue those with eyes upon you; a graceful twist and turn-on-heel to have them breathless, baited for you. If my voice could reach those notes, would I have your charm? If I could learn to tap my toes, would it get me very far? I'm sorry, but tonight I think in prose.

I've got my guitar in hand at 5 a.m., singing nothing but sad songs. I meant to write great things. I meant to cobble melodies together, bright enough to make you smile and loud enough for you to hear it always. It feels sometimes like my skin is in the way; a filter between what I want to think and what I mean to say. When finally they manifest and take shape, they're nothing like what I imagined, just more of the same. But I'm growing! Stretching, wrenching, tossing, turning and spending every restless night becoming. Yes, becoming. Turning into something I could, for once, bear to bring to light. Can you taste it in the air? It's lingering like a perfect kiss, haunting you like ghosts on the edges of your lips. A breath for every heart beat. And it does beat! Like a drum, it's frantic first and races against itself just to make a sound and be heard, but calms and finally becomes strong.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Our hands are reaching in the dark. Fingers stretching outwards, hoping for that first innocent brush. Then interlock and anchor one to another. Pull them close, hold them tightly, each wrapped inside another. Palms meet and retract slightly, hiding nervous sweat and blushing cheeks. Only for a moment, then tightly grasped and sealed. Two hands, two arms, two hearts thumping, struggling to keep warm; a rhythm drumming in the dark.

I couldn't say it with words. My tongue is far too clumsy.

Hurrah! Freedom!

2009-04-06T22:58:00.004-04:00

"And there were moments on that first night in this fetid little paradise when I prayed that in spite of all my secrets, I was somehow kin to every mortal man. Maybe I was not the exotic outcast that I imagined, but merely the dim magnification of every human soul. Old truths and ancient magic, revolution and invention, all conspire to distract us from the passion that in one way or another defeats us all.
And weary finally of this complexity, we dream of that long ago time when we sat upon our mother's knee and each kiss was the perfect consummation of our desires. What can we do in this Savage Garden but reach for the embrace that must now contain both heaven and hell: our doom again and again and again".

To all who have expressed concern toward my well-being after my last post, I appreciate the thought. I'm fine. Granted, I haven't yet caved and taken the sleeping pills, nor have I yet slept since the blackouts, and yes, I'm still exhausted, but I don't feel nearly as bad as I had.

My last paper is done, and with it, so too is my school semester! Sure, there are two exams left at the end of the month, but that's weeks away and I'm ready to write them tomorrow after all the work, reading and reviewing I've had to do just writing those monster-essays. Short stories, done. Poems, done. School until September? Fucking. Done. And with that, I think I'm going to be taking a break from that particular creative outlet, with a few exceptions, this blog included.
It's a strange feeling, not having that mounting stress on my shoulders anymore. It's renewing.
Now I'm only focused on making sure this summer is a memorable one. Last year was a huge disappointment and I was far too busy to really enjoy anything. We can't have a repeat performance of that, or I'll quite literally go insane. Well, ok, more out of my mind than I already am.

This bleak weather lately has everyone feeling down, but strangely, it hasn't been affecting me in the least. I suppose I'm so used to night-time and the dark that a few cloudy days doesn't really phase me, but even beyond that, I don't mind the rain like I used to.

The hermit days are dead and done.
And in the spirit of that, I'm excited for what's to come.

Also, never forget the classics. Some times just because it's in your past, doesn't mean it needs to be forgotten and certainly doesn't mean it can't still be enjoyed.

See you all at Foufs thursday.

Goodnight.

2009-04-05T02:33:00.000-04:00

Insomnia, tonight was the last straw. I've endured you long enough. I hate hospitals. Absolutely loathe and despise hospitals. I always have and I think I always will.

Tonight was strange in general and I should have known something was up, but far be it from me to listen to what my body has to say. I've had a killer headache all day from the exhaustion, on top of having absolutely no energy at all. I hate canceling plans and more than anything, I hate breaking promises, and I hate to do both those things tonight just for how absolutely shitty I felt.

Deciding to rest, I grabbed my laptop and sat down on my bed, tried to kill some time and hopefully, just maybe get some sleep. Apparently that wasn't in the cards for me, howevI er. One second, I'm firing off rounds into zombie-brains online, next thing I know, someone is calling my name, I can't breathe and have this terrible taste in my mouth.

Turns out I had blacked out and fallen face first off my bed. The fall busted open my nose and both the bad taste and reason I couldn't breathe was for all the blood. My mother, who I'm guessing heard me fall, found me on the floor. I was sure I was fine and went to clean myself up, but oddly, the bleeding hadn't stopped. I was starting to feel light-headed and slightly nauseous. I'm told that bleeding for an extended length of time out of your face will do this to a person.

I must've blacked out, because the next thing I knew, I was sitting in the backseat of my Father's truck, on my way to the hospital. I wanted to die then and there. The rest of the drive may as well have been hell for me.

An hour of waiting in that lobby, watching everyone else was enough to have me shaking. Thankfully, the only thing I could smell was blood thanks to my fall, because anything is better than the smell of sterilized death that hospitals reek of. Finally, someone saw me. Lots of stupid questions, blood tests, bright lights in my eyes, other things I don't understand and all for them to tell me something I already knew. Extreme exhaustion, prone to blacking out, best cure is rest, blahblahblah. Sent on my not-so-merry way, though I was glad to be getting out of there at least.

Got a prescription written for sleeping pills. Don't really want to take them, but I do want to get some sleep. The worst part was I just keep thinking "I should've just gone out tonight." Especially because there was someone I really wanted to see...

I still have my headache, too.

I call do-overs on today.

Ignore This.

2009-04-04T03:21:00.003-04:00

I'm going to offend you. I'm going to say things with unabashed arrogance and the utmost certainty, even if I don't believe in it myself just because I know I can. I will scrutinize and criticize every detail. What I'm saying is that I've a gift for being honest. These aren't the things you should be worried about.

In the battle of brain v.s. heart, in my case at least, you should be hoping they both destroy each other. Warm nights bring out the very worst in me and I feel like more and more, I'm becoming the person I had been. This, more than any reason, is why I spent so long cut off from friends and loved ones. Why I ignored calls and text-messages and lived like a recluse for months upon months.

I can't change because I'm sure that deep enough down, I don't want to.

Hell (I can go there!)

2009-03-31T04:01:00.005-04:00

So, strange thing happened to me today. There I was, minding my own business waiting on a metro to show up so I could make my way downtown to class like I do every Monday morning. Same exact routine, same spot I always stand in, giant 750ml Monster in my hand, iPod blasting music, you get the picture.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice this old woman sitting on the bench. She looked sweet, frail and you just knew she was someone's loving grandmother. If I had a heart, it would've been considerably warmed. Well, the metro arrives and I step on. This far back and early in the morning, the place is empty so there are seats everywhere. Before I could sit down, however, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I was obviously surprised, I mean, I'm generally in my own little world whilst traveling, especially at 7 am when the rest of us generally function on autopilot. It was the old woman! She looked up at me and, in this sweet, remarkably unaccented english, told me flat out to go to hell. I wish I were kidding or exaggerating. Her exact words were "Go to hell."

I didn't even think to ask her why she'd say something like that. Do I give off the impression that I'm a menacing or bad person? (I'd kind of like that, not going to lie.) Generally, I'd have some witty response for the woman and would then continue to hand her back her proverbial ass. I did say something, in so much that I quoted Milton and told her that it'd be better to reign in hell, but even that I can't be sure why I said it. Hell instinctively makes me think Paradise Lost. I guess after that 25 page paper I had to crank out on it last semester, it shouldn't be that surprising. It was just a very odd exchange and I've been thinking about it all day. I can't, for the life of me, imagine what I could've done to make this woman wish eternal damnation upon me.

If I believed in souls, or an afterlife, that would have been deeply upsetting!

In other news, two more weeks until the semester is done and I'll be blissfully free, on vacation for the summer! Three essays, two short stories, five poems and a research paper away from freedom. No problem!

Then, even more incredibly, another two months until the Italy trip. I had the choice between spending two days in Spain or in England before going to Italy itself and deciding has been a headache and a half.

A lot of people have been doing this lately and I've been giving it serious thought as well, but on the subject of traveling, I think that once I finish my B.A. for Lit/Creative Writing, I'm going to participate in that "Teach Abroad For A Year" program they have going on. Particularly Japan, because let's face it, I want to ride in their giant robots. It'd be an amazing experience, not to mention I'd love to just be able to drop everything a live a completely new life for a year...and in Japan of all places! My only real hesitation is learning the language, but I have plenty of time (re: two years) to get that done, or at least a solid feel for it.

I'm sorry this entry is more in the personal vein and less in the witty, arrogant ramblings I usually engage in. I promise, there'll be plenty of that coming up, as well as two new videos I've been working on and meaning to finish. I haven't neglected you, intarwebz!

Old ladies suck.

p.s.
To my Insomnia,

It's nearly 4:30 am. Again. Please do me a favor and take a vacation or something? I am getting more and more restless and you're turning me into a zombie. Not that I don't enjoy the extra time for everything and the other fun perks that come with never sleeping, but we need some time apart.

Love,
Jav.

Here Comes The Sun

2009-03-25T01:45:00.006-04:00

Something is in the air. I don't know what, but I can feel it. It's coming with the Spring and it feels good. I've had this excitement about me the last few days. I don't so much have that sinking ship feeling. Instead, it feels like she already went down and now I'm floating along, alone at sea on driftwood and I'm headed somewhere new. Of course, it's exciting. I've always been one for newness and adventure, but drifting is such a lonesome affair.

My life is starting to resemble an actual life again, and not just an ongoing sequence of routine, gravitated around academic and monetary obligations. Can't be sure that this will end well, but if I never take the chance, how will I know?

The semester is drawing near to it's end and as can be expected of me, I'm hilariously behind on my work. The stress that comes with it, however, is gone. It's sort of liberating. I trust myself, though. I know it will get done, I know I'll be fine. This new optimism is strange to me, but I'm liking it.

In keeping with Spring cleaning, I've emptied out my iPod and filled it up with music that feels appropriate. Essentially it's the new Metric, Camera Obscura and New Found Glory albums on endless repeat, with the occasional pause for Girl Talk for late-night dance sessions across the bedroom floor.

I know that nothing is going to make sense. I know things can and will get messy again, and I know I'll get lost again and again. I need to remember that it's fine. Taking chances used to be so easy, it's time we stopped being afraid of risks or consequences.

I've fallen back in love with 4 am. I drunkenly stumbled back into her arms Saturday night, with my first genuine smile in a long, long time. I managed to sleep for the first time in a while that morning. It was nice.

Now, for tonight! I've got a spoon, a full container of nutella and season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to keep me fueled 'til morning.

I'll leave you all with this, because it is absolutely pant-wetting. I am so absolutely excited for this movie, you can't possibly understand.

Useless Super-Power OR Disney Makes You Want to Fall In Love

2009-03-18T03:37:00.003-04:00

Why is it that whenever I look at a clock, the time is an even number? With the possible exception of my always catching 11:11 (which adds up to an even number anyways) I always catch those nice, even numbers. Like now, for instance! 3:40 a.m.

How was everyone's St. Patrick's Day? I'm hoping it was, at the very least, a step above the usual day! While I did manage to get some celebrating in, (in the form of Guinness and Jameson) I came to an interesting realization. I don't own any green clothing! Repeated trips through my closet (and Narnia, which is conveniently hidden right behind it, making for excellent storage space!) yielded nothing! In fact, outside of red, gray, black and one instance of pink and purple, I don't own very many colours at all! I'm using this as a wonderful excuse to go shopping, it should be fun. My plan is a simple one, I'm going to seek out colours that I'd never normally wear and just go for it, regardless of how ridiculous I think I'll look. Pictures are sure to follow.

I caught a pin in my eye tonight, it wasn't very pleasant at all. I was using one to clean out the gaps between letters on my keyboard and somehow managed to spring it upwards, into my squishy, seeing-orb. Beyond momentary pain, a wounded ego and a good laugh at my own expense, no damage seems to be done. I guess I'm lucky when it comes to my misfortunes.

I've spent the last few hours cuddled up in bed watching Disney films and it's warming my heart. The evening started off with Fantasia, as I haven't watched the full movie in years. I used to be particularly terrified of the scenes involving Mickey Mouse and the moving brooms because the Master Wizard looked so sinister, and even worse, the Night on Bald Mountain scene! I've found a new appreciation for it, but that wizard still makes my skin crawl.

Anyways, I followed up that film with The Little Mermaid because I was in the mood for a timeless classic and it was the first one readily available. Is it just me or does watching the Kiss The Girl scene just never cease to melt your heart? I think this is the only movie in the world that can make me feel like I want to fall completely in love. I want to be someone's Prince Eric! Auditions for the Ariel role starting now!

Following that, I went into an extremely under-appreciated, forgotten gem: The Great Mouse Detective. This Disney parody of Sherlock Holmes is completely and utterly brilliant. I don't know why this one isn't as celebrated as it's many, many companions. I'm calling shenanigans on this.

Tomorrow night...or rather, should I be saying tonight? Either way, the Bloc Party show is in just over 12 hours and I am much more excited about it than I thought I would be. Frankly, Intimacy just didn't impress me as much as their previous works. When I first heard it, outside of a few tracks (Signs and Zephyr spring to mind) I thought it was forgettable at best. It's grown on me, though! Here's hoping the performance is as good.

Thursday night is the Underoath/Norma Jean concert. It feels really weird staring down a ticket to this show. Maybe that's just the nostalgia kicking in because I haven't been to a hardcore show in longer than I'd like to admit. Underoath, especially! Despite the fact that I'll undoubtedly be surrounded by a sea of 14 year olds in get-ups the rest of us had been rocking in 2004, I'm positive it's going to be a blast. If they play When the Sun Sleeps, I am going to lose my shit and call everyone from the Dawson Third Floor crew, mark my words.

See? I just did it again! It's 4:02 now. Talk about useless super-powers.

Right then, I'm going to end this here.

(But seriously, looking for an Ariel. I want Disney romance time.)

Shinking Ships.

2009-03-15T05:23:00.003-04:00

For the last few days, I've had this weight on me that I couldn't quite explain or understand. It was a sort of sinking feeling, like everything was rushing up at once and engulfing me. I wrote it off, like I do anything anymore, thinking that it was nothing more than stress from school.

Strange thing though, today. I met up with a friend (who, at her request, shall remain nameless.) and we spent some time together. Coffee, lunch, nothing complicated. We both had some errands to run this morning, so why not get together? At any rate, during the sit-down, half way through my hot chocolate and in the middle of our discussion, a strange thing happened. I had both my hands resting on the table, one holding onto my mug, the other laying casually. While this friend was speaking, her hand brushed over my free one and time stopped. Suddenly, I wasn't sinking anymore. The weight had dissipated and all that was left was this calm feeling.

I realized then and there just how cut off from everyone I truly have become. I haven't so much as even made contact with another person in weeks prior to that moment. No hugs, no hand shakes, nothing. It was the strangest realization. Now, I'm sitting here at 5:44 in the morning and thinking about all the things I've forgotten.

I can't think of the last kiss I meant, the last hand I held or the last word I said and genuinely felt. Instead, I've turned into some sort of robot in the way that I follow my routine, cut myself off and eliminate any chance at real interaction anymore.

And that essentially sums it up. I've become a flesh-and-blood robot.

HerpGonorSyphilAids.

2009-03-12T01:12:00.004-04:00

I am having a hard time finding things both clever and worth saying on this blog. I feel this is because for the last little while, my life has been wholly unexciting; an empty shell of what my life normally is and should be.

Why, you might ask! Well, that's simple. Midterms are over and now, the crunch to make it to my finals has begun. I have upwards of 8 essays to write over the coming weeks, three short stories, two in-depth analysis papers and a set of works written by other classmates that I need to peer-edit. In short, my head is spinning and I've not the energy or the time to go out on an adventure. This makes me sad. Very, very sad.

On the bright side, all this time spent sitting in front of a computer has given me a mountain of new bands to listen to. Nothing in the universe excites me more than having an iPod freshly loaded with artists that I've never heard before and a long trip to listen to them on. What with this cold, I'm left taking the bus and wandering downtown which is always nice but...

I'm craving summer and it's getting bad. I miss walking around parks and neighborhoods at 4 a.m. when I have nothing else to do thanks to my darling friend, insomnia. I miss scorching hot days that make you glad there's ice cream in your belly and a pool in your backyard. I miss that feeling of the cool breeze against you, and the way the night air feels so very alive.

So, while downtown today I saw a sign that said "God is not a Science." Apparently this is part of a campaign to keep religion out of public schools, but more specifically, to keep the creationism theory out of science classes. I love it. It's about time some logical opinion was voiced publicly instead of the usual "go to church or go to hell", "jesus saves" nonsense.

I am dying for new Gossip Girl episodes. Monday cannot come fast enough.

And finally, I did a video for a friend's youtube channel! She needed someone to throw questions at and asked me if I was interested. I couldn't refuse! The end result was kind of incredible, so watch it!

Vote Now!

2009-02-24T02:08:00.003-05:00

Well, I've certainly put off writing in here for some time now! I wish I had some clever, wonderful and time-consuming-to-explain-so-as-to-better-fill-this-blog reason for that. The truth is that I've simply nothing to say! Shocking, I know! The king of perpetual slip of the tongue, master of the rant-en-masse, with not so much as few words to cobble together for his three or four internet readers.

My apologies, loves! It shan't happen again, not at least for a few days! But this does bring up a vexing issue: I've still nothing to say! Oh, sure, I've managed to write this far in without having anything, sure, but one can only work wit from nothingness for so long before it grows stale!

A quick update on the life-and-times of Jav, The Avenger. Well, for the last few days I've been completely out of commission. What started out as a hang over turned into me losing my voice and mutating into a full blown virus. Coughing, sneezing, projectile rainbows in the middle of the night, cuddling with my long-time lover, the toilet bowl! Not how I imagined the opening weekend to my reading week vacation would pass, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel somewhat relaxed by just sitting in bed under no obligation to do anything for once.

Thankfully, my voice is now starting to return and my Wolverine-esque immune system is destroying what illness I may have once known. Hopefully, the rest of this week can be spent relaxing, filming more videos, writing and enjoying the (read: drunken) company of friends.

Finally, I have a favor to ask of you, my darling readers! A question in dire need of being answered, and with honesty! A question of the utmost importance, the outcome of which could shape the fate of all!

Should I keep my hair as it is, allow it to grow out or cut it short once more?
Which do you think I should go with? I've provided pictures below, tell me what you think!
Current:

Longer?

Weirder? /Shorter?

Cut it all off?

Another Vlog From the Jav.

2009-02-11T21:59:00.002-05:00

I Could Swear I Heard You Say...

2009-02-10T02:23:00.005-05:00

The 9th went by without a single thought. Old scars seem to be nothing more than marks on skin and I can say, after all these years, the weight of it is almost gone completely. In fact, none of it had even occurred to me until just now, as I wrote the day for an essay I had only just finished and realized what it signified.

Old news, isn't it? Sure, but I wasn't quite so thick-skinned then. Have I grown? I can only hope. This isn't to say that I've forgotten, just that I don't have to carry it around on my shoulders anymore. I used to wonder if you'd catch the day and if it meant the same to you, but I've come to accept that other ghosts will haunt you, not mine. There was a time where I would have said that you are my only ghost, but I don't quite feel so haunted anymore.

This song has always meant a lot to me for all the memories I've associated to it, but now that I've finally lived the words, it takes on a whole new depth. It has been on loop for the last half-hour.

The End of an Era - Hopesfall

All this to say it all goes on!

p.s. Sorry, I know this is cryptic as hell and I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm talking about. That's fine.

Midterms Cause Cancer.

2009-02-09T04:30:00.004-05:00

I am what I am, for who else could I be?

I don't know what it is about me at the moment, but I feel strange. I know that I'm far from having achieved anything truly noteworthy and I know that I'm still far from near the end of the road when it comes to school. The list of things (it exists!) I want to do before I'm 25 (oh god, I don't even want to think about it.) isn't any shorter, and quite frankly, I've slacked off on essentially everything.

So why do I feel so content with myself? What's with this satisfactory feeling washing over me and how do I get it to stick around?

What's on the agenda for tomorrow, Javvy?
Why, I'm glad you ask! ESSAY WRITING, ESSAY WRITING, TEST, ESSAY WRITING!
Go-go-gadget midterms.

p.s. I got a Twitter. It's kind of extremely addictive and I think everyone needs to get on there with me. Do it, or feel the wrath of my team of zombie crack ninja babies.

p.p.s. this video made me die laughing.

We Only Come Out At Night

2009-02-08T04:43:00.004-05:00

So, it's 4:44 a.m. I figure that's an appropriate time as any to start writing a new blog for the week. It's sunday! Ha, that means I've a day left to finish two papers that I probably won't even consider starting until sometime around midnight. That's dedication for you!

I've been playing on my computer a lot of late, and I don't mean games. What with my new-found hobby of vlog-making, I've been goofing around quite a bit with all the editing software I can get my hands on. Beyond that, I found a torrent full of great VSTi plugins for Adobe Auditions, Mixcraft and my personal favorite? An 8-bit synth sequencer for FL Studio. Basically, I've been composing NES-era music all weekend. It's a ridiculous amount of fun, except that it's worrisome how much time I can actually, willing spend sitting here, in front of this screen.

Oh well! I've had a social life, it's overrated. Besides, so long as it's still winter, I'm going to continue to be a hermit. In that regard, I've been sober for two weeks now. Two whole weeks. That isn't to say I haven't had a drink or twenty, but not drunk! Ha, I haven't done something quite like this since...well, when I had to go those six months after the alcohol poisoning fiasco. Wet shrimp, anyone? Girls just want to have fun will never be the same, ever.

I'm in a strange place at the moment. I'm feeling this intense need to be as creative as humanly possible in as many ways as I can imagine, but at the same time, I don't actually feel motivated to do anything productive. Of course, I blame academia for this and the many stressing and discouraging factors that come as a result of college life. All the same, it feels good to have so many outlets at my finger-tips again. Especially in terms of music, which is something I had (foolishly) cut out of my life for some time.

ALSO!

Uh, Blink 182 reunion! What the hell? Talk about completely out of nowhere. Wasn't Tom Delonge just saying not too long ago that he wouldn't ever play those songs again just because he's "grown up" or something? Whatever the reason, this should be interesting even if only for the sake of nostalgia. The last two years have been full of great bands getting back together. Death From Above? Take a page from it. Oh, hey, Mars Volta? Sparta? Join forces. Get back to being At the Drive-In, kthnx.

Someone told me today that they think the 90's are going to make a comeback, but really, is that such a good idea? I mean, sure Nickelodeon was spectacular and t.v. in general was at it's best but...

do we really want grunge to happen a second time? Or what about Nu-Metal? Baggy jeans and extra-large band t-shirts with backwards baseball caps or cotton-flannel shirts three sizes too big over baggy jeans? On the bright side, we could bring Kurt Cobain back to life so he can kill himself again. I'd be perfectly down with that.

Anyway!

No idea what I'm writing about anymore, which means it's as good a time as any to stop.

p.s. Chrissy, I found the photobooth picture. I stuck it in my wallet to show you next chance I get. Methinks it time we takes some new ones, too!

So...

2009-02-04T23:25:00.001-05:00

I'm jumping on the bandwagon and making youtube videos now.

I'm lame, I know, but it's fun.

Wax Wings:Rough Draft + Haiku

2009-02-03T05:09:00.004-05:00

She knew nothing of soaring. Wax wings could never attain great heights, nor support the loftiness of her ambitions. The breeze did nothing to lift her spirits. She felt the wind like thousands of tiny good-bye kisses, giving her weight. Never hers was the breathlessness of dancing upon the clouds, or kissing the horizon as the sun made it's debut. She could not move effortlessly from here to there, nor cast away her chains; something of which she was constantly aware.

But still she danced and danced, for hers was the gravity of knowing her steps left markings in the sand that even if only temporarily, re-affirmed that she had been there. Hers was the depth of understanding that she alone would be welcomed into the open embrace of the roaring sea.

So she lept, with baited breath, to meet with new expanses or her doom again and again. Hers had been a narrow view, framed by iron bars that spoke nothing of the approaching dawn that crept out from beneath the starlight, for she knew nothing of dreams.

And now she knows of falling.
She knew nothing of the bright, blue sky.
----------------------

Kiss to break the pace;
Romance is a shallow dream,
Love to kill the time.

They Think I Might Be A Queen!

2009-02-02T04:49:00.003-05:00

I told myself a thousand times that I would try and get some sleep tonight. It doesn't seem to be working. Worse, I'm starting to get the mother of all headaches. Watching the Steelers take the Superbowl at Adam's while destroying my body with more chicken wings, nachos and chili than it was even meant to consume was good times, as always.

I've got two papers to write for Wednesday and one for Friday, not to mention a test thursday afternoon on material I haven't even bothered to read yet. Can you say fallen desperately behind?

Spring needs to get here and quick.

So, I have a question to ask of anyone that reads this. Do I act or seem gay to you? I don't care one way or another, it won't change anything at all, but it's something that's been getting thrown in my direction lately. Nothing against anyone who is, but what the fuck? I mean, granted it has never come from anyone who actually knows me, not until today at least, but it's really strange. I can't think of anything I do that would give that impression, but lately I've apparently just been giving off that vibe? I get asked by the other people in my classes, friends of friends, my brother's friends, and now even my own father!

Awkward story time:
I got home from watching the football game and my Dad was watching some of the post-game coverage on the couch in the living room. He says hi, asks me to sit down and brings up some of the junk going on with my brother at the moment. I'm thinkin' nothing of any of this until he just outright asks me "So...are you gay?"

At first, I thought he was joking and the surprise of it made me burst out laughing. Then he gave me the "I mean it" look and my head filled with a million and one questions, though mainly "how in the fuck?" over and over again. His basis for wanting to know is simply because while I seem to have many friends who are girls, I haven't actually "dated" anyone in years, and in his words, "what with your pants always so tight and your hitler hair-cut (he's apparently been listening to radiohead), I can't tell anymore." I tried to reassure him, but I think he remains unconvinced.

It's kind of hilarious, but it's not a joke I want to last very long.

Oh well, at least I have my guilty pleasure in Gossip Girl to look forward to tonight. Good times.

Finally, Let's Distinguish When Connections Fall Away

2009-01-30T04:11:00.004-05:00

Funny thing, exhaustion. Not Ha-Ha funny in the comedic sense of the word, nor is it ironic, or even so much as an amusing notion as it is a peculiar thing. I've just now slept for about half an hour. When I came around, realizing what had happened, another realization occurred. I'm more tired after now having slept, thought only briefly, than when I had been awake for an extended period of time. Worse still, I'm now groggy and uncoordinated, which is making things harder than they should be.

Also, as much as I appreciate the concern of some, please stop suggesting that I "just take sleeping pills." If it were that simple, don't you think I would have come up with the idea myself a long time ago? The simple fact is that I hate unnecessary medication and loathe having to rely on some pill just to function "normally".

Anyways, all this to say I felt better having not slept at all than I do now, having finally gotten a bit of rest.

At the moment, I'm having a Hannibal Lecter marathon. I started with Manhunter, went into Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal and just now started Red Dragon, which is my personal favorite.

My writing is essentially out of practice and worse, I have a whole slew of assignments due over the coming week...

but none of that matters because this is Superbowl Weekend. Blah, blah, blah, I know, why should a Canadian care about American Football, or why do I care about sports at all, I've heard it before and the answer is just as simple:

A) The CFL is just an outright cluster fuck of suck. An epic-fail fiasco, I don't care what anyone says. I love our country and all, but wow, the CFL is a child that should have been aborted twice; once with a coat hanger and again with a well-placed Falcon Punch straight to the gut.

b)How can you not love strategy and violence? That's really all there is to it. Not surprised that my team didn't go all the way this year for a second season straight, but hey, anything is better than another Patriots victory. Who'd have thought the Cardinals, of all teams, would get into the playoffs, let alone the division champs, let alone into the superbowl at all. The Steelers are still going to crush them, but hey, they made a good run of it. Many beers will be ingested, many nachos and chicken wings will be consumed.

Thanks to a conversation today, my love for the tamagotchi has been restored and I'm eagerly seeking some out. Not just any dollar-store dino will suffice, either! I'm looking for one of those bad-ass ones that could connect to the others and fight! Or, better still, those Pokemon tamagotchi like the Pikachu or the Togepi. I will not rest until I have a new digital pet.,

I can't stop listening to the more recent Damiera album. It is outright brilliant. Essentially, they sound like the love child of The Fall of Troy and Minus the Bear.

Immure - Damiera

Holy Shit.

2009-01-28T05:08:00.002-05:00

I miss these guys, these days and that life. Still, we gave it up for a reason.

P.S.

2009-01-24T04:49:00.003-05:00

You guys realize that I have a tracker on my blog, right? That nifty little box over on the right gives me all kinds of interesting stats; not just how many people visited this page or that sort of thing.

To the person who comes to my blog every Monday morning, using Internet Explorer 6 from Laval? You're running Windows ME and that is terribly worrisome, buddy. All the same, I love that you always come to my blog directly after reading CNN.com's main page. It's very flattering to think that right after you've caught up on significant world events, you like to come see what is going on in the land of Jav.

To the Mac user from the UK who stumbled upon my blog, I'm assuming by accident, through googling "how do I use javex to clean the blood off my jeans", I have to say, I had hoped you'd know better. Javex is -terrible- for your jeans and will end up bleaching them to death, ruining both the color and fading them out insanely beyond that. If you want my advice, let it soak in warm water for a while then give it a good wash with a strong detergent.

As a side note and point of pride: I just beat Mega Man X entirely in 43 minutes and 22 seconds. Bad-fucking-ass.

What's in Your Head?

2009-01-24T01:32:00.005-05:00

Wow, the adventures never seem to cease around here. By that, of course, I mean that I'm bored out of my mind. I cannot stand Friday nights when there is absolutely nothing to do, if only because of the added suck of knowing that it is friday night, after all.

I sort of broke my phone tonight, too. By sort of, I mean that it got snapped in half. Yes, for those that know me, this is the shitty Razr that I had replacing my other phone, which met a watery end. During the night's adventures over in the land of BlogTV with the ever-amazing Gwynzilla, I sort of dropped my power-ranger morpher onto my spare laptop battery which, in turn, fell and dragged my t.v. converter down with it onto my cell phone, which was charging on the floor. One loud crash later and, thanks to gravity, I am now without a cell phone. Hopefully I can find some other old, shitty replacement lying around until I can buy a new one...but really, enough is enough. This is three cell phones in the span of two months.

It's only week three into the semester and I already feel like I'm behind on so much material. Two papers to write, a 5 page poem, two short stories and an exam to study for. Oh, how I miss the simple times of getting drunk at 10 a.m., going to Rat Hole and just playing guitar all day.

In non-shitty news, I randomly got a cheque in the mail the other day for some piece of prose I got published like, two years ago. I hadn't thought about it in a really long time and while it's only something like 70$, that is still pretty sweet to have dropped on your lap.

I guarantee it won't last me through the weekend, though.

It is fucking cold outside right now and I never would have made the voyage if not for these:

Who needs sleep when I can get fat and have a heart attack instead?
Good times.

As always, I'm leaving you with yet another video. This one is from one of my favorite songs from the 90's. I'm actually recording a cover of this song, in parody, for Left 4 Dead. Maybe I'll share it here when done, but that's doubtful.

Durex has earned my undying loyalty.

2009-01-19T00:25:00.003-05:00

I know I generally post nothing but youtube videos, but I think I'm going to develop that into a segment of my blog, wherein I share whatever I'm watching at the moment or whatever I find particularly interesting with you.

Faona made my night by sharing this with me and I am absolutely in love with this commercial.

Don't Need You, I Want You.

2009-01-16T01:50:00.002-05:00

I miss this band incredibly. Probably one of the best performances ever given on O'Brien's show.

From Crackle: Death From Above 1979 - Romantic Rights

It's Just A Little Too Late.

2009-01-12T03:16:00.004-05:00

3:17 a.m.

I have to go with my Dad to the airport for 5:45, which means I'm leaving at 4:30. I have class at 10:15. I don't know why he needs to to go along, but I guess it gives me something to do with the time I'd have otherwise spent continuing my Veronica Mars marathon tonight. Tomorrow is going to be interesting, I can say that much for certain. I'm looking forward to the 3 hour break, if only so I can get a nap in. He's off to Dallas, Texas for a week on business, I sort of wish I could go with him just for the change of scenery.

Some of you asked me about my last post and what it meant. I'm surprised some of you didn't figure it out and at the same time, not surprised that some others did not. All the same, it's fairly simple once you know the trick. The block of letters is a distraction; though they help the process once you know the key to it. The numbers represent letters in the alphabet as they appear in sequential order. A=1, B=2, C=3 and so on. The order of the numbers arranges the letters to create the message. The block of letters represent the letters I used, and the reason the same ones are repeated represent which letters I've flagged with the numerical sequence. Have fun figuring it out now!

Daniel Rossen of Grizzly Bear did a cover of Jojo's summer pop hit "Too Little, Too Late." Elliot, the brilliant Brit that he is, shared it with me and I haven't been able to stop listening to it ever since. I figured I'd share it with the rest of you all.

Am.

2009-01-10T05:13:00.008-05:00

C DC DC D
o e m s g a w r
t h er s g
e t h e a r t r c e
h o yd c o ec
o e C D r o y
o e m s h t s o m e
e t g r m co g t
o o y th es e h i
m se tr i g t s
y h c o g e a r s o e s t r h a r t
yo e he ar t
m se t t l
r i s h e
o s
y s

18-5-19-20-12-5-19-19
3-15-13-5 7-5-20 8-9-19 8-5-1-18-20
4-5-19-20-18-15-25.
4-5-19-20-18-15-25.
4-5-19-20-18-15-25.
4-5-19-20-18-15-25.

She knows his smell.

He knows her taste.

Don't Shake, I'd Hate To See You Tremble.

2009-01-09T03:55:00.002-05:00

I don't dream. I just don't. It's one of the things you have to give up when insomnia becomes your nightly bed-fellow. The thing about dreaming is that it can only happen under certain conditions, mainly that you enter or be near something called R.E.M. sleep. No, this has nothing to do with the band, I'm sure you're not losing your religion. R.E.M. sleep, which simply stands for rapid eye movement sleep, takes about 90 minutes to occur and lasts for roughly 15 to 20 minutes. During this period, your brain activity is on the same level as it would be while awake, but on the subconscious level. Originally, it was called paradoxical sleep.

Now, on most nights, I don't sleep at all. On the rare instances where I succumb to micro-sleeping (a common occurrence with insomniacs, falling asleep with your eyes open or sleeping while maintaining consciousness.) , it never lasts longer than periods from a minute to half an hour at a time. Certainly not enough time to enter REM sleep! Now, as any insomniac can tell you, there are also "crashing" periods, where the body can no longer sustain itself and you simply pass out from the exhaustion. Because of the strain on the body, a person who merely knocks out will not enter the depth of sleep required to hit R.E.M. levels and thus, will not dream.

All this to drive home my opening statement: I don't dream. So, you can imagine my surprise when, last night, I had my first dream in a long time. It was absolutely bizarre and strangely vivid.

The dream begins sometime in the future, at a friend's 23rd birthday party, which would be taking place next September. We were sitting around the table of what I can only assume was his apartment as the cake was brought to the table. The girl holding the cake seemed terribly familiar to me, though I could not recall how I knew her. Events blur and now I'm standing outside, in the cold. I'm speaking to someone on the phone, who is in a frenzy. She is crying and sobbing hysterically, struggling to get her words out but cannot, for her weeping, form complete sentences. I try my best to calm her down, still unsure of even who she might be, but to no avail. Finally, she hangs up and I go back inside. Except now the apartment has changed. It is dark, and old friends are sitting around a coffee table looking grim. Joey looks up at me, frowns, and asks "Have you heard about Jav?". Confused by his statement, I reply that I haven't heard anything. Nathaniel looks up at me and asks "Are you holding up alright?" Now confused, I respond by telling him that I'm fine and have no idea why I wouldn't be. Everyone around me gives me strange looks. At this moment, I notice that everyone is dressed up formally and in rather somber attire.

Here is where things -really- get strange. An ex-girlfriend enters the room, walks directly towards me and hugs me, but then whispers in my ear, "Where the fuck is my sister?" Again, I'm absolutely confounded by her question. She takes a step back, places a hand on my cheek and asks the question again, this time louder. "Where the fuck is my sister?" I take a step back, think on the question but realize that, as I originally suspected, I have no idea what she's talking about. Telling her as much, her expression becomes harsh and she slaps me clean across the face. A man I do not recognize and who I can only assume is her boyfriend, grabs me by the collar and lifts me up slightly. "You had better not be fucking lying to her, man." Suddenly, I'm angry. I brush off his grip, shove him back and grip firmly on my ex's chin. When I speak, my voice is now not my own, but someone familiar's. "Whatever happened to her, it's not my problem. I don't know. I don't want to know. If you couldn't keep your shit together, that's your thing but I've got my own issues. Take care of your own shit on your own time, sweetheart. Don't fuck around."

Here, Adam stands up, puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls my hand away from her chin. He looks me in the eye and says "Let it go, man. He wouldn't want this." Even more confused, I finally outright ask him. "Who wouldn't want this? What's going on?"
He shakes his head and steps aside. Behind him, there was a mirror and, much to my horror, the face that I see is not my own. I'm my brother, dressed up the same as the others but with rings around my eyes as if I have not slept in some time. Then, everything blurs and I'm standing in front of a casket. Already, I'm in shock but I somehow know what to expect. Lifting the top of it, I find myself looking upon myself, resting peacefully and very much dead. I touch my own cheek, still very much in shock of what is happening and turn away from the casket. All my friends and family are behind me, though they all are wearing masquerade masks so that I cannot tell who each person actually is, just the vague awareness that these are, in fact, my friends and family. Suddenly, music begins to play, similar to a waltz but slightly quicker. Everyone begins to dance in pairs, passing by me one at a time. As they do, they laugh and say something to my fallen form.

"Good riddance" "We'll miss you" "Take care." "See you in hell." "I wish we never had met." "You should have been more careful." "I loved you then, I love you now." "You were a waste of time." "I couldn't have been more proud." "We'll meet again." "Good-bye."

The music begins to die down and the room begins to empty out until no one remains and all is silent. No longer in my brother's skin, I begin to feel cold and am uncertain of where I might be. Everything is dark. Then, a voice that I can't even now recognize speaks and says "Now comes the mystery, for all comedy is done and tragedy has no place here. To adventure, for nothing else now remains undiscovered."

It was then I woke up, shaking, covered in cold sweat and completely and utterly confused.

If this is my subconscious, I think I prefer not dreaming.

Winter Class Schedule

2009-01-08T14:09:00.002-05:00

In response to my last post and to Chrissy's entry, I'm going to be putting up my schedule here for those of you at Concordia or anyone in general who would want to help keep me company on my many, many, long breaks. My semester is just absolutely godawful. The classes are all wonderful, don't get me wrong, I'm really loving the material I get to study. The timing, however, is beyond lame.

Fuck snow, fuck winter, fuck storms. Spring please, now.

I hate winter.

2009-01-07T13:35:00.003-05:00

Today has been, by a large margin, the worst day I've experienced in a long, long time. Waking up to snow coming down as if the sky was falling was certainly not a great start. Now, there's a bus that passes near me at 8:48. I was there at 8:43. The bus, on the other hand, only decided to show up at 9:52. Not only was it over an hour late, but it made me insanely late for my 10:15 class.

Now, after said class, I was walking from the FG building towards the Library building so that I could pick up some books from the store. This, dear readers, is where tragedy struck. The strap for my bag snapped and as I frantically reached for it to stop the fall, the rest of the bag tore. This resulted in my laptop and books to fall into the snow. Needless to say, panic ensued. Now, I never panic. You'd be hard-pressed to even find me worried these days, but when a laptop that costs the same as two year's tuition falls into snow and slush, you freak the fuck out.

I threw what I could into my pockets, grabbed what I can and made a mad-dash for the bathroom, where I stuck my belongings under the hand-drier and hoped for the best. Thankfully, save from some soggy textbooks, everything is fine. I was rather annoyed to have to dish out another 40$ for a new bag, but that's life.

I hate winter. I really, really, really hate winter. A lot. (yes, that is two words, kids. Start getting that right.)

On the bright side of things, I've got several ideas for things I want to do with this blog to help me feel encouraged to write here more often and to be more productive in general. You'll all be seeing soon enough, I imagine.

Also, you fellow Concordia students need to hook me up with your schedules, since I have 4 hour breaks left and right damn near every day. I could use some buddy-time!

Cheek to Cheek

2009-01-06T03:22:00.002-05:00

I realize I post a lot of videos and, especially lately, my content has been lacking, but I'll make it up, I promise. Still, I feel obligated to share this video with you all. Anyone who has seen The Green Mile should recognize it, as this particular clip was shown, but I just finished watching the original film. Old Hollywood was a spectacular time and place.

Macbook Wheel OR Apple Sucks.

2009-01-05T22:20:00.003-05:00

This is absolutely hilarious. Neal made my day by showing me this.

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Jet Black New Year.

2008-12-31T15:09:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was quite an adventure, I've never spent so much time in a thrift store. I was definitely out of my element, but it was interesting watching some seasoned pros show us how it's done. Hurray for new friends and old faces. Side-ways vaginas are the order of the day, just saying. Here's to "not knowing what to do with it", and of course, to Chuck Bass.

Concordia is all sorts of fail. My schedule for this semester is god-awful and I still haven't gotten my grades for this past semester.

2008 is officially being cast off, like the proverbial dirt off our shoulders and I have to say, it feels kind of good.

Apart from a few notable moments, which really were far between, this year has been incredibly bland. Dull, even. I mean, when I think back on 2007 and the insanity leading into it, the long list of things that occurred in that time-frame and more importantly, the crash-and-burn style it went out, I can't help but feel disappointed.

Here's hoping that 2009 is more memorable.

To all of you reading this, a very happy New Year!

New beginnings folks, not revivals. Better to create something new than to bring back what once was. I hope all your nights are spent with those you care about, in the best sorts of stupors.

See you all in '09.

Distant Promise.

2008-12-29T03:05:00.004-05:00

Right, so, I'm still alive. At least, I think I might be. Whatever passes for living these days, I suppose. My apologies for the long absence. In truth, I meant to write several times during the last bit, but never could find anything worth saying. I still don't have anything, but I'll make due some how, I suppose.

Christmas is behind us, thankfully. Now there is a holiday I could do without. Mine was spent in the cold comfort of an empty house, save for a few hours where my cousins came over. She's only three years older than I am, but already married and well into her career as a pediatrician. Go figure! Normally, hearing of her success would unsettle me slightly, as I'm sure my future is not nearly as certain as hers seems to be, but lately? I've take some strange comfort in not knowing where the road I'm on will take me. It seems like all the adventure and wonder in life is slowly fading away. There are no great mysteries, no unexplored continents, no savage, secret tribes of man to bring us back in touch with that primitive, instinctual animal we once were. So, I'm not going to sit here and wonder if my life will be significant anymore, or if I will find some way to leave my mark. After all, in the end, there is only the journey for me. End results have become too fashionable, I want none of it. If this is the only adventure left to us, better that I don't see where it all is headed!

New Years Eve is coming up! Ha, do I have plans yet? We'll see. That's not important. 2009 is going to be the start of something grand, you'll see. I normally never make resolutions for myself, a promise is a terrible thing to break after all, but this is a time for fresh starts and I need to hold myself to this. So, that said, my resolution for 2009 is simply to live. Vague, I know, but I find that we all get too bogged down in the daily routines of our lives to ever really do anything worthwhile. It's great that we're working towards something, but I want more. I need more. 2009 is going to be less dreary, less repetitive. I think some of you will understand better than others when I say the past is done and it's time to stop dwelling on it, trying to hold onto ghosts and memories, wishful thinking and what ifs. I'm putting that away.

I've been thinking a lot of the ocean lately. Actually, I think a lot of us have, at least people that I've been speaking to. I lay down and sometimes, I can even hear the waves crash, feel the tide pulling at my limbs to drag me out to sea. I haven't been outside Montreal in far too long, that needs to change.

Have any of you ever heard a song that brought you to your knees? A melody that gave you goosebumps, or made the hairs on your arms and the back of your neck stand still? Has there ever been a tune that moved you to tears, or even simply moved you at all? I'd love to hear about it.

I've found a few of the songs that do it for me, ironically these are all from video games, but the music is brilliantly composed on it's own and I'd like to share it with anyone reading this. This first one in particular overwhelmed me when I first heard it, to the point that I was rendered speechless and could't stop shaking. I can't find a version that has the whole version intact, so I'll link them separately.

part 2:

This second piece is the embodiment of the spirit of all I've tried to write here, tonight.

Dancing in the Dark.

2008-12-18T20:02:00.009-05:00

I get up in the evening
and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer
radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain't getting nowhere
I'm just living in a dump like this
There's something happening somewhere
baby I just know that there is

You can't start a fire
you can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

You sit around getting older
there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
come on baby this laugh's on me

Stay on the streets of this town
and they'll be carving you up alright
They say you gotta stay hungry
hey baby I'm just about starving tonight
I'm dying for some action
I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
come on now baby gimme just one look

You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Hey baby.

Where Is My Mind?

2008-12-14T04:31:00.003-05:00

6:00 a.m. is a strange time, I must admit. It doesn't have the romantic connotations of it's midnight brethren, nor is it as celebrated among the nightly restless as it's predecessor, 4 a.m., but it's an interesting hour all in it's own right. You start to see the reward for your labor; sunrise's first signs begin to creep across the sky. Oh, it's subtle, I admit, and often impossible to see. Especially when the weather is as ugly as it is now, but all the same there's something in motion.

I like the thought of that. Still, I can't help but glance at the little clock at the bottom right of my screen and think, "Is it really this early already? Where the hell did my night go?" Soon, I'll be back in classes and thinking "Man, where did the vacation go?" followed quickly by a summer break where I'll be wondering where the year went. Time is officially my enemy and I'll be laboring furiously to discover a way to pause it indefinitely. Collaborators are welcome, of course.

I think I'm becoming the ghost of myself again. I've been in auto-pilot for a long time now, which is a terrifying concept, I've never been one for routine and yet lately it's been one of the few comforting qualities. I imagine it's just so easy to fall into one and get used to it.

I have absolutely no patience for people anymore. Any little thing sets me off and I have no qualms with tearing into people, even strangers. For example, I was riding the metro and, while it wasn't that crowded there also wasn't all that much space to move about either. This was mainly due to a woman standing in front of the doors with about 10 grocery bags around her feet. Now, not only is this stupid as you force people to have to walk over it and possibly crush your stuff, but you also block the way for everyone. I'm standing next to her, waiting for the cart to stop so I can get off, and doesn't she cough right in my face? No turn away action, no covering her mouth, not even an apology. This woman just fires her illness at my face like a projectile and continues day-dreaming.

Now, I'm not usually one to care about germs or health-risks, but I am one for manners! This was downright rude and disrespectful. So, I tapped her shoulder, which seemed to surprise her since she sprang up a little. I smiled at her and, in as nice a voice as I could manage, said the following: "It's clear you were raised on a barn, but is there anything I should get treated for now that you've infected me? It better not be the plague, because I swear to god I'll burn down your house."

Now, granted she didn't understand a word of what I said, as I said it in english, but she certainly got the message that I was pissed off, because she offered me a Kleenex. Now, here I'm thinking "bitch, you have kleenex in your fucking pocket but you didn't have the presence of mind to put one in front of your mouth before you besieged my face with the black death?"

Some people.

Or, as was so succintly put by Camelia, the fucking buses. We live in Canada. We get 3 feet of snow every year and have since the fucking dawn of time. Why is it that the public transit people are surprised by this fact every winter to the point that it hinders their service? Look, snow or not, people rely on your service. This isn't something you do from the kindness of your heart, nor is it a priviledge, it's something we sink millions of tax dollars into annually. Where does this money go, exactly? What about all the cash we just blew buying your ridiculous opus cards? All that and you can't afford a fucking shovel and a window-scraper like the rest of us? My mother can drive a mini hatch-back civic in two feet of snow without winter tires on and you mean to tell me you can't handle a fucking bus? What, do you live in the metros like mole people and know nothing of the seasons? What really gets to me is when the bus finally does show up and the driver looks like he's pissed at you for making him do this. Listen, Jean-Gui Lafleur or whatever the fuck your name is, you've been riding on a heated bus in this weather while I stood in the fucking snow begging for the sweet release of death so that I could at least stop shivering. Kiss my frost-bitten ass.

When I'm done with the time-machine, I'm going to start breeding my own super-disease that will be highly contagious, completely fatal and uncurable. It's going to target everyone who is below a certain intellectual standard, anyone who coughs/sneezes without covering up, cannot handle a bus in the winter and scientologists.

Now, all that being said, I want to share something with you all. It's my favorite scene ever from what I think is arguably the best movie ever made. Every time I see it, I absolutely want to fall in love or develop a split personality so persuasive that I actually believe it to be a seperate person.

Nectar of LIFE.

2008-12-11T10:17:00.005-05:00

This makes everything better.
This makes my day complete.
Without this, I am but a shell of myself.
With it, I move mountains with ease.

I'm not even kidding, apple juice is my fucking crack.

and I just bought about 40$ worth of apple juice, so I am in heaven.
Soooooooooooooo much love for apple juice.

S.O.S.

2008-12-11T02:59:00.004-05:00

This may be a bit graphic, so please skip this next bit of text or bear with me through this. Puking out of your nose is, by large and wide, the worst thing I have ever experienced. Now, anyone who knows me knows that me saying that is quite a mouthful. I won't get into all the stupid and sometimes painful things that I've done, but believe me when I say that's an extensive list. It feels as if you face is exploding and all the pressure behind it is firing out of your nasal cavity. At the same time, it hurts to breathe and the smell, well, not only isn't it pleasant but it actually stings.

Or, in other terms:

It felt as if a hundred angry cats were set on fire, given rabies and switchblades and made to fight for dominance inside my throat. All the while a flood of suck and unhappiness is forcibly exiting both my mouth and nose at the speed of projectile vomit. At the same time, my stomach is revolting as if the civil war; let me assure you, the south did rise in this instance. It gives new meaning to feeling like shit. Game over, man. Game over.

This has been going on for the last 48 hours and I can't go on this way, I really can't.

I got a nasty bit of food poisoning yesterday afternoon. My brother and I were eating chinese from the place near our home and, well, I'm guessing it was the baby-back ribs since they were the only thing I ate that he didn't, and as he is fine, I assume it to be true...anyways, at first it wasn't so bad. I felt nauseous, of course, but it was bearable. Soon after arriving home, I felt that terrible feeling. You know what I'm talking about. That sickness is your chest right before the bile actually starts to rise. That constricted and heavy feeling, you know the one, I'm sure.

For reference, I spent most of last night and this morning cuddling a toilet bowl; an occurence that usually only occurs on the worst of my drinking benders. At least when I'm drunk, it feels nice!

Thankfully it has slowed down considerably, but I'm dying.

I hate being sick.

I also hate that I've got NOTHING TO DO.

I took time off work because, well, it's the holidays and my break from school! I wanted to make the most of it! Unfortunately, almost everyone else is busy and there were only so many things I could do on my own.

Someone needs to rescue me; hot soup and good movies would be greatly appreciated.

Think Happy Thoughts.

2008-12-09T04:32:00.004-05:00

Sorry about that last post, I'm probably going to be taking it down later. I miss writing and haven't been able to find any motivation to do so lately. It's partially because I'm nowhere near the level I used to be at.

I'm just writing this post to kill time, honestly. I can't sleep and have nothing to do until my movie finishes downloading. If you haven't guessed by the piece I wrote, I'm in a very Pan-ish mood, and so I've decided to download and watch Hook, which is, next to Fight Club, my favorite movie of all time.

Tonight's Gossip Girl was spectacular. I can't believe Dan/Aaron. I hate them both so much, it's incredible. Also, Rufus is a dick and I hope he gets leprosy. I really do. Oh Chuck, why do you insist on pushing Blair away? So sad. The show needs more Eric. I love his Grandmother, she's such a bitch.

Last night's Dexter? W-o-w. Best episode of the season, so far. I mean...I knew he would eventually have to kill Miguel, but this soon? That was epic. Oscar knows, I'm sure of it. He knows and he's going to lash back at Dexter. It's going to be great.

New Years Eve is coming up quick and not only do I not have any plans, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be spending it home, alone. My parents are going up-north with my Aunts and Uncles, my brother is going to Cuba with his friends and most people are going up north or something to the chalet party. I might've considered even going to that if someone had told me before it had filled up and all the down payments were due.

Well, that's all.

Goodnight, internet.

We're Going To Die Like This You Know.

2008-12-06T18:43:00.005-05:00

I've been listening to nothing but Taking Back Sunday for the last 48 hours on loop. It started at Foufs Thursday night when they randomly broke the pace of the evening by playing Cute Without the E, which needless to say, sent most of us into a drunken singing frenzy that lasted the entire way home.

I think I love it more now than I ever did, just because now I can appreciate both the brilliance and innocence of the songs themselves and the nostalgia that comes with listening to their music. 16 really feels so long ago. There really are so few artists that really connect to a person the way they did during that era, especially with today's collection of over-produced, synth-heavy dance-rock clones.

Here's to you, kid.

2008-12-06T04:44:00.004-05:00

Originally, I had written this long blog that was both uncharacteristically personal and far too revealing for me to comfortably leave visible here, on the internet. I've reached a strange place in my life. Maybe some day I'll re-post it for all of you to see, I'm curious what you'd think.

Instead, I'm going to opt to simply wish my Father a happy birthday and attempt to get some sleep, something I haven't done in days.

Have a good one, Dad. 53, already! Can you imagine? Oh, they grow up so fast! I wish I could find a picture of him at my age, or when he still lived in Casablanca. Oh well!

(This is Christmas two years ago, and strangely, the only picture that my father and I are both in.)

p.s. Yesterday was the long awaited get-together at Foufs, a thursday night occasion that I haven't indulged in for some time. I wish more of the old faces had managed to make it out, but I can't blame them for not showing. All the same, it was intensely nostalgic and felt, during many moments, like time hadn't gone by at all.

Long Johns Save Lives.

2008-12-03T05:53:00.002-05:00

5:54 a.m. at time of writing! Well, it's pretty unsurprising that I'm still awake, wouldn't you agree? At this moment, I've only just finished one of my final essays and I can tell you, my head is ready to cave in. 10 glorious pages written on the contrasts and similarities between the free-print market revolution of the 17th century and our modern day internet-media revolution! Specifically in the cases of Alexander Pope's Dunciad v.s. Wikipedia, Swift's many satirical essays on politics v.s. Bill Maher and satirical news-comedies and, my personal favorite, Jesus v.s. Godzilla. Ok, so I'm only kidding on that last bit, but can you imagine such an epic battle? I'd be hard pressed to pick a winner, if I had to. Speaking of ridiculous battles, for those of you who follow politics, what's up with Harper getting Voltron'd? I've got no love for the man, but really what a sly and underhanded move by other parties. You'd expect it from the Bloc and maybe Layton, but the Liberals too? Oh well, coalition government time! As if the fall of the republic in Star Wars taught us nothing!

...I know, even I can't believe that I made that reference.

I need a shopping buddy, I really do. I've been out by myself lately and quite frankly, it's boring. I'd much rather have a friendly face with me to pass the time. Talking to strangers can be interesting, but it loses the novelty fairly quickly. And, honestly, I need someone with me to keep me from walking into an EB Games or a Future Shop and blowing all my money on gadgets and games.

For example, I recently bought a 750gig portable hard-drive just because it looked sort of like a flask and had nifty lights on it. Mindyou, I did need the extra storage space, but not that badly! Or better still, that HDMI cable I bought so I can sync my t.v. to my laptop and run my games through 51'' of high definition goodness. Sure, it pixelates and there's the occasional visual distortion, but I can cope. I've been debating getting a projector and screen for my room. I've always wanted a t.v. the size of a freaking wall. Then again, I do need a new phone as well...ah, I love far too much love for machines. John Connor would not be pleased with me.

...I need to stop making nerdy references.

Well, there's...slush on the ground that was once snow and it looks like we'll be getting more soon, so two things are happening in my world; I'll become ever more the recluse and I'm frantically searching for as many pairs of long johns as I can find. Bit of a winter tradition, but also a necessity for me! Those things keep me nice and warm, without them, I'd be lost. Winter also means a lot more reading done outside of academic purposes for me. I've been into Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre of late. Probably one of the finest pieces of existential literature that I've come across. The scary thing is how utterly and completely he disregards most notions of self, portrays us all as witty monsters, selfishly fueling this insatiable lust for significance and recognition. A much darker view than I expected, but intriguing nonetheless. In message and theme, it isn't at all far from L'etranger by Camus. After this, I finally have a copy of the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins to feast on.

I know I said I'd limit my rants, but a new one is already in the works. You'll soon see! Alas, for now, I think I should exit stage. I have an intense urge to get a Tim Hortin's breakfast thing. The eggs, sausage and bacon between a bagle. I want to kiss whoever decided to put these things together right on the mouth.

In the spirit of my nerdishness, I leave you with this youtube video I found. Someone wrote a love song based entirely on Mario Kart. Freaking. Mario. Kart. It is the cutest thing ever, by far.

Rant Time With Javvy (May Offend.)

2008-11-30T00:40:00.004-05:00

I've decided that every so often, I'm going to write up a little rant here, pertaining to whatever is fueling my ire at that moment. I'll try to limit them to as little as once a week if at all, so as not to go overboard and offend anyone that may read this, but I can promise you that not many nice things are going to be said.

Pressing on! This little story is based on my experiences today. I don't know what it is about me, but it seems that I'm a magnet for weird and hilarious occurrences. This morning, I went downtown to get a little shopping done. For the most part, I was only interested in finding some new books to read over my winter break, but also ended up splurging on a new pair of shoes. Nothing strange so far, right?

Walking back toward McGill, this older looking man and a young woman, who I can only presume to have been his daughter, asked me if I was willing to join them in celebrating celibacy. ...Excuse me, what? I couldn't help but laugh, I mean, what? The young woman started explaining to me that she was willingly waiting until marriage before she gave away her "flower". It was a promise she made with herself, her father and the invisible space-man in the sky that her cult of wackos worship. Then, she lifted up her hand to show me her ring finger, where she sported one of those tacky rings that those disney kids are all on about these days. I wanted to vomit. With everything going on in our world today, do they honestly think that preaching about abstenance and celibicacy is the right thing to do? These are the same cult-mentality morons who opposed the vaccinations to the HPV virus because, apparently, curing STDs leads to promiscuity! Now, I didn't want to start a scene then and there, despite my overwhelming urge to spew acidic bile all over the awkward pair. Instead, I nodded politely, smiled, and told them that while I appreciated their concern, my beliefs were not theirs. This prompted the older man to ask me the question that, without fail, will drive me up a fucking wall.

"Son, have you accepted Jesus into your life?"

I had to bite down on my tongue not to turn around and launch into a violent rant. I can ignore the obvious irrationality that comes with being involved with a faith because despite it's many, many shortcomings, people are comforted by it. That they, however, still feed the need to shove that nonsense into the faces of others is absurd and downright hysterious. I think this man and probable daughter saw my annoyance at this point, but it didn't seem to slow them down any! She looked at me and said with all conviction that she would pray for my soul, that I find my path to the Lord and know the joys that his love brings. At this point, I couldn't hold back any longer. I started to laugh outright. I smiled again and, as matter-of-factly as I could, I said the following:

"Even were I remotely convinced that I had a soul at all, I wouldn't worry about it needing salvation. Between us? I'm not the one that needs to be saved! You two are the ones clinging to the myths and fairy tales of men written in the dark ages! Besides, even if there is a God, this relationship you have with him is completely one-sided! Your love is unrequited and that is not at all healthy. So please, do me a favor? Lay off this holier-than-thou bullshit. You want to stay a virgin until your Father decides to marry you off like some kind of bartering piece, by all means, enjoy!"

Having said that, I continued to walk away. Ironically, when I got home, I noticed that Religulous was on t.v. Bill Maher is absolutely brilliant in general, but it shines through quite strongly in his documentary.

Christmas time brings out all the crazies, I swear.

You don't see these people worrying about soldiers being senselessly masacred, nor do you hear them worrying about our ever-failing world economy. No, what's important to them is that your precious little hymen is in one piece for ol' J.C. up in heaven. Global warming? No, no, no, your priorities are all wrong! You should be worrying about finding a way to stop teenagers from wanting to have sex!

Anyways, I could go on about this for decades...and in fact, given this time of year, you probably will be hearing it again from me in the near future. By the way, I do hope those of you who are of practicing faith don't take this badly, I just get increasingly grump around the holidays. Besides, just as much as it is your right to believe in it, there's my right to ridicule you for it! Oh, what fun!

Escapism OR Zombies at your front door.

2008-11-27T16:08:00.005-05:00

Next week needs to find it's end quickly, I fear I can't handle anymore sessions of non-stop essay writing. I need a reprieve! I don't even like the holiday season, but I'm craving it more than anything now, just to get away from all these papers. The absurd part is that I enrolled into the creative writing program because a) it's my field of interest, b) I wanted to get away from research papers and the mundane nature of regular academic life.

Apparently, however, I'm obliged to do them regardless and can slowly feel what creativity I once possessed slipping away. In fact, this program has greatly diminished my desire to write at all! Imagine that! Oh, it's still early, I'm aware, but it's depressing that I can be disheartened towards what has been my lifelong dream so easily!

In that respect, I've been thinking I need to find some new creative medium. I've always played guitar, but I want to start exploring other instruments. I've never been too talented at many forms of visual art, and while I cannot draw to save my life, I think I'm going to start experimenting with anything I can get my hands on. Why not, after all?

I'm uninspired, so it's time I do something about that.

As a side note, I've the overwhelming urge to punch anyone who believes in intelligent design right in the neck.

The Further Adventures of the No-Sleep Prince.

2008-11-24T08:57:00.002-05:00

Still nothing.
I are zombie.
Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins. (or sleep, whichever.)
Someone come play with my hair so I can pass out, thanks.

Go Go Insomnia Rangers.

2008-11-24T06:07:00.006-05:00

6 a.m., still no sign of sleep. Total cumulative time awake at time of writing: 71 hours, 22 minutes. Almost three days without rest. If I don't soon, a burn out will be unavoidable. Nonstop eating to compensate for all the extra energy being burnt, massive bags under my eyes, hard time focusing and even my coordination is starting to go haywire. I kind of want to push this as hard as I can and ride it out until I collapse. 12 more hours and I hit the delirious phase, hallucinations'r'us.

In my boredom, I've taken some cheesy bed-side photos. Warning: I may or may not be a power ranger.

Late Night Nonsense

2008-11-24T05:05:00.000-05:00

Dexter was spectacular tonight. It's unreal how much I've grown to love this show and the character himself. Especially this season, I find that many other characters are starting to shine through as well. Matsuko, Deb and Angel particularly are really impressing me, but none so much as newcomer Miguel Prado. Oh, things are going to liven up quite a bit!

Mainly because I think the song is appropriate, but also because I absolutely adore it to death, I've been listening to this Talking Heads track for a good portion of the night.

It's 5 a.m., still no sleep on my part. I suppose from a health standpoint, I should be concerned, but I imagine it's years too late for me to start altering what has become such a crucial part of my personality and routine! Besides, the temporary dementia adds character, wouldn't you say?

I'm surprised. Usually, this time of year, I'm overcome with the urge to keep my bed warm with bodies. I feel this desperate urge to connect with someone and have that physicality present. I don't just mean sexually, though that's always nice. Sometimes, you just want someone you can touch. Play with their hair, feel their breath, that sort of thing.

This year? No sign of it at all. I'm evolving! Only time will tell what that means.

Age of the Understatement

2008-11-23T06:11:00.004-05:00

Another 6 a.m. where I should be sleeping, or at the very least attempting to, but instead find myself doing much less productive things. For example, I just finished rewatching the first few episodes of True Blood. After all, with all this Twilight nonsense, I need something to restore vampires to their original splendor for me.

Cheeseburgers at 3 a.m. may seem like a great idea, but only provide severe tummy aches for this charming insomniac.

Tomorrow involves watching Montreal win the Grey Cup at Adam's. I admit, I'm not a huge CFL fan, especially given the long list of silly rules they implement! I'd much rather watch some good ol' fashioned NFL, but there's a certain pride you've got to have in your home-team. Usually, that pride goes towards the Habs...but let's face it, these last few games have been utter garbage. So, we roll with the punches!

My bed smells like candy and for the life of me, I can't explain why. Not complaining, however.

I can't get enough of the Last Shadow Puppets. I mean, at first I thought their debut album was a fair listen, but nothing special. It's growing on me quite a bit and I haven't been able to stop listening to it at all. That modernized throw-back to 60's rock is exactly the sort of thing I've been wanting to hear for some time now.

They also did this impressive cover of the Beatles' I Want You (She's So Heavy) which, admittedly, is my favorite Beatles track in the first place. A pleasant treat for me, so why not share it with you folks, hmm?

Now, I'm going to go for a walk, through the freezing cold, to get a coffee. I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I can only ever drink coffee regularly during the winter. Also strangely enough, I always get quite tempted to pick up smoking again whenever it gets cold. I collect bad habits.

Let's Get Down To Business!

2008-11-22T04:46:00.005-05:00

Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself the last few nights. Oh, I know that for the sake of my scholarly obligations, I should settle and write what is expected of me! After all, I've only two short weeks before the semester ends! Still, I find myself wide-eyed and distracted at my desk, enjoying ghosts of my youth in the form of Mulan. Can you blame me? She is spectacular and I'll not hear a single word to the contrary!

Ah, December, you're approaching sneakily this year! None of your usual bravado, dumping down endless barrages of snow to torment those of us who rock their kicks all year long, despite the frigid cold! No, this year you creep in the form of chilly winds and cloudy skies. Keep this up and we might even be able to tolerate one another, December. Just maybe.

My Christmas shopping, for once, has been taken care of quite early and despite the one gift that I've yet to get, (but ordered online and should be receiving any day now) I'm all done! It's a strange feeling, not waiting until December 23rd to consider what to buy your friends and family. I may get used to this.

Left 4 Dead, kids, get on it. None of this Call of Duty nonsense! Gears of War are all well and good, but nothing says good gaming better than a relentless zombie horde. I really need to find more gamer friends, you kids and your social lives are gross.

I`m a shark.

2008-11-21T07:29:00.000-05:00

Home Is Where You Hang Yourself.

2008-11-21T07:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I've gone and done it now! Conformity heartily admitted, I've actually wanted to cave and switch the medium of my blogging for some time now. Enough wishing, enough lurking, enough time behind the scenes! The time has come to take the stage. Or at least, to conquer a new one! Ha, look at me go.

For those that knew of cheap_vodka, the journal I maintained since '03, I may cross-post my entries here over there, but this vessel shall be my flagship. She's nigh uncatchable, they say. For those of you who do not know me, well, introductions are in order! My name is Jav, and when the inevitable zombie apocalypse transpires, I will be your savior. Until then, I'm just another boy on the intarwebz. Oh, and I don't sleep. Ever.

Like now, for example. It's 6:38 a.m. and I'm sitting in a Tim Hortons in the middle of nowhere about to hook myself up with some sweet, sweet breakfast while I pirate some poor sap's wifi connection. Following this, I'll likely quest to the magical realm of downtown Montreal wherein I hope to find myself a coat for the winter! She comes, and soon, I promise.

This new home of mine needs decoration. Default theme? Ha! Not for long, methinks! Well then, now that we know each other, can I buy you all a drink?