Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Wash His Name Off Your Tongue, I'll Be Second To None!

When confronted with awkward and, sometimes inconvenient truths, it is often easier to act as if we had never learned it at all, rather than make the necessary changes, or move on. Still, actions will always speak louder than words and nothing learned can quickly be forgotten. That said, what to do when you learn that all is not as it seems? Is it better to always seek the truth, knowing full well that it may do, or worse, undo? Or, is it more prudent to accept what is at face value and await the impending calamity that always is the coming to light of things? After all, nothing stays buried forever. In this electronic, scientific day and age, even secrets taken to the grave may soon be exposed to the light of day. What then?

As a side note, why is it that the present and the past are constantly juxtaposed, or made to be compared? It seems as if there is a rather unsettling habit among people to cherish what was, and through it, downplay what is. Lovers to former lovers, friends to their former selves, or friends who came before them, even homes to former residences. And do we ever really move on, or do we simply look for more of the same? Other things to remind us of what we had, and when that is lost, things to remind us then of those things too.

Can't we ever just be happy with the things we have?

Call it a sin of pride, but especially for me, nothing annoys me more than being compared to another person, or generalized. I feel as if it devalues the individual. Of course many people will have similarities, be they physical or psychological, in our interests or our mannerisms, but that does not equate to us being the same person or type of person. No one should ever be compared to anyone else, as we're all our own beings, complete with our own unique perspective, and should be afforded that basic respect.

I live entirely too much inside my head, I fear it's a result of not having enough to do these long nights. Worse, my sleeping pills have already begun to lose their impact. I'm not to saddened by this, as they tend to induce the most disturbing dreams. Chrissy, if you read this, come chat me up sometime. I had quite an interesting one with you in it.

Despite the bitter overtones in this rant, I've actually been in good spirits lately. Sure, sleep has been all but non-existent and things grow more complicated by the day, but I feel as if it's all looking up. Lots of firsts, lots of new experiences, and strangely, lots of smiles in the life of Jav.

Here's hoping it continues this way.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'll Put My Money Where My Mouth Is.

I love the way the very moment you feel as if you finally have your whole life figured out, everything goes absolutely haywire and you find yourself back at the bottom of that deep, dark well, looking for a way to crawl back up. Don't get me wrong, what's life without being constantly kept on your toes? Growing into routine is growing stagnant and terrible for the soul, or so I'm told.
My last entry, I spoke of taking the plunge. Well, I've hit the bottom now and have new heights to aspire to. I'm already loving the view. So far, this vacation is shaping up to be a perfect blend of the good in old things and incredible new adventures.

I know I promised rants and lots of lovely words, but for the most part I've been facing one terrible writer's block. It's actually quite unnerving, being inspired to write but having nothing worth saying! Wine and good cheer make it hard to be fork-tongued and cynical, but I am what I am and eventually it will come out.

So far and as of yet, no real plans for this summer. I don't mind that quite so much at all. Usually all plans made just fall through and things end up getting done in the spur of the moment. That suits me just fine.

It's funny how the moment you try to walk away from people is the same moment they need you back in their lives. I've begun to process of cutting people entirely out of my life again, just because I've come to realize I don't have time entertaining people who see no value in me as a person outside a drinking buddy and source for amusement. I've held my tongue to some people for far too long for the sake of friendships that once were, rather than voicing my growing distaste for them now. I'm done with the social niceties.

The sun HAD been shining just a moment ago, and I'm sad to see it hiding behind clouds and the potential for rain. Bring back the warmth, I need you to shed this cold I've apparently caught from being out in the wet and cold for too long.

Smiles to all.

Friday, May 8, 2009

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

Rough last few days, and I don't quite yet feel like the storm is over yet. In fact, it seems as if this is only the calm just before the real thunder, lightning and flying cows begin to invade. When it settles, I fully expect not to be in Kansas anymore. (And since I never was in the first place, this is an ambition I can, for once, satisfy! Huzzah for setting your self-standards impossibly low!)

This might just be the prevailing fear of all the "new" things I've recently plunged into; and when I say plunged, I absolutely mean diving headfirst into the unknown without so much as a second-guess. It feels new, exciting and, most surprisingly, terrifying. This is the same boy who thinks of everything as a chance to escape the normal monotony of day-to-day life, and yet here I am! I suppose it's merely because for once, I'm not invincible. The cleverness of me and my indestructible ego can do me no good here. What to do? Things are complicated, but I'm enjoying it. Curious. It seems the heart has temporarily beaten out the brain in this epic struggle.

In the words of another, "I've found a box of sharp objects, what a beautiful thing."

I feel like I owe this blog an actual rant, or rather, something of worth rather than my vague prattlings about a life you can only ever catch in glimpses. I promise, to that extent, that several are on the way. I apologize for the lack of anything interesting! Soon, soon, and more frequent. I've gained back my serpent's tongue!

Stay tuned, loves.