Sunday, March 15, 2009

Shinking Ships.

For the last few days, I've had this weight on me that I couldn't quite explain or understand. It was a sort of sinking feeling, like everything was rushing up at once and engulfing me. I wrote it off, like I do anything anymore, thinking that it was nothing more than stress from school.

Strange thing though, today. I met up with a friend (who, at her request, shall remain nameless.) and we spent some time together. Coffee, lunch, nothing complicated. We both had some errands to run this morning, so why not get together? At any rate, during the sit-down, half way through my hot chocolate and in the middle of our discussion, a strange thing happened. I had both my hands resting on the table, one holding onto my mug, the other laying casually. While this friend was speaking, her hand brushed over my free one and time stopped. Suddenly, I wasn't sinking anymore. The weight had dissipated and all that was left was this calm feeling.

I realized then and there just how cut off from everyone I truly have become. I haven't so much as even made contact with another person in weeks prior to that moment. No hugs, no hand shakes, nothing. It was the strangest realization. Now, I'm sitting here at 5:44 in the morning and thinking about all the things I've forgotten.

I can't think of the last kiss I meant, the last hand I held or the last word I said and genuinely felt. Instead, I've turned into some sort of robot in the way that I follow my routine, cut myself off and eliminate any chance at real interaction anymore.

And that essentially sums it up. I've become a flesh-and-blood robot.


christina d said...

you and me both. we are sad robots.

Maura Iemma said...

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harlequin said...

yeesh, that's one shitty realization jav.

I do believe alot of it is winter's fault. You've been hibernating, and now that the weather's becoming decent, I'm sure your robot-ness will melt away with the snow :)

Simonne said...

Strange... but I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel totally disconnected from anything happening/anyone around me, for weeks straight. Schizoid?