Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Hell (I can go there!)

So, strange thing happened to me today. There I was, minding my own business waiting on a metro to show up so I could make my way downtown to class like I do every Monday morning. Same exact routine, same spot I always stand in, giant 750ml Monster in my hand, iPod blasting music, you get the picture.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice this old woman sitting on the bench. She looked sweet, frail and you just knew she was someone's loving grandmother. If I had a heart, it would've been considerably warmed. Well, the metro arrives and I step on. This far back and early in the morning, the place is empty so there are seats everywhere. Before I could sit down, however, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I was obviously surprised, I mean, I'm generally in my own little world whilst traveling, especially at 7 am when the rest of us generally function on autopilot. It was the old woman! She looked up at me and, in this sweet, remarkably unaccented english, told me flat out to go to hell. I wish I were kidding or exaggerating. Her exact words were "Go to hell."

I didn't even think to ask her why she'd say something like that. Do I give off the impression that I'm a menacing or bad person? (I'd kind of like that, not going to lie.) Generally, I'd have some witty response for the woman and would then continue to hand her back her proverbial ass. I did say something, in so much that I quoted Milton and told her that it'd be better to reign in hell, but even that I can't be sure why I said it. Hell instinctively makes me think Paradise Lost. I guess after that 25 page paper I had to crank out on it last semester, it shouldn't be that surprising. It was just a very odd exchange and I've been thinking about it all day. I can't, for the life of me, imagine what I could've done to make this woman wish eternal damnation upon me.

If I believed in souls, or an afterlife, that would have been deeply upsetting!

In other news, two more weeks until the semester is done and I'll be blissfully free, on vacation for the summer! Three essays, two short stories, five poems and a research paper away from freedom. No problem!

Then, even more incredibly, another two months until the Italy trip. I had the choice between spending two days in Spain or in England before going to Italy itself and deciding has been a headache and a half.

A lot of people have been doing this lately and I've been giving it serious thought as well, but on the subject of traveling, I think that once I finish my B.A. for Lit/Creative Writing, I'm going to participate in that "Teach Abroad For A Year" program they have going on. Particularly Japan, because let's face it, I want to ride in their giant robots. It'd be an amazing experience, not to mention I'd love to just be able to drop everything a live a completely new life for a year...and in Japan of all places! My only real hesitation is learning the language, but I have plenty of time (re: two years) to get that done, or at least a solid feel for it.

I'm sorry this entry is more in the personal vein and less in the witty, arrogant ramblings I usually engage in. I promise, there'll be plenty of that coming up, as well as two new videos I've been working on and meaning to finish. I haven't neglected you, intarwebz!

Old ladies suck.

To my Insomnia,

It's nearly 4:30 am. Again. Please do me a favor and take a vacation or something? I am getting more and more restless and you're turning me into a zombie. Not that I don't enjoy the extra time for everything and the other fun perks that come with never sleeping, but we need some time apart.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Here Comes The Sun

Something is in the air. I don't know what, but I can feel it. It's coming with the Spring and it feels good. I've had this excitement about me the last few days. I don't so much have that sinking ship feeling. Instead, it feels like she already went down and now I'm floating along, alone at sea on driftwood and I'm headed somewhere new. Of course, it's exciting. I've always been one for newness and adventure, but drifting is such a lonesome affair.

My life is starting to resemble an actual life again, and not just an ongoing sequence of routine, gravitated around academic and monetary obligations. Can't be sure that this will end well, but if I never take the chance, how will I know?

The semester is drawing near to it's end and as can be expected of me, I'm hilariously behind on my work. The stress that comes with it, however, is gone. It's sort of liberating. I trust myself, though. I know it will get done, I know I'll be fine. This new optimism is strange to me, but I'm liking it.

In keeping with Spring cleaning, I've emptied out my iPod and filled it up with music that feels appropriate. Essentially it's the new Metric, Camera Obscura and New Found Glory albums on endless repeat, with the occasional pause for Girl Talk for late-night dance sessions across the bedroom floor.

I know that nothing is going to make sense. I know things can and will get messy again, and I know I'll get lost again and again. I need to remember that it's fine. Taking chances used to be so easy, it's time we stopped being afraid of risks or consequences.

I've fallen back in love with 4 am. I drunkenly stumbled back into her arms Saturday night, with my first genuine smile in a long, long time. I managed to sleep for the first time in a while that morning. It was nice.

Now, for tonight! I've got a spoon, a full container of nutella and season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to keep me fueled 'til morning.

I'll leave you all with this, because it is absolutely pant-wetting. I am so absolutely excited for this movie, you can't possibly understand.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Useless Super-Power OR Disney Makes You Want to Fall In Love

Why is it that whenever I look at a clock, the time is an even number? With the possible exception of my always catching 11:11 (which adds up to an even number anyways) I always catch those nice, even numbers. Like now, for instance! 3:40 a.m.

How was everyone's St. Patrick's Day? I'm hoping it was, at the very least, a step above the usual day! While I did manage to get some celebrating in, (in the form of Guinness and Jameson) I came to an interesting realization. I don't own any green clothing! Repeated trips through my closet (and Narnia, which is conveniently hidden right behind it, making for excellent storage space!) yielded nothing! In fact, outside of red, gray, black and one instance of pink and purple, I don't own very many colours at all! I'm using this as a wonderful excuse to go shopping, it should be fun. My plan is a simple one, I'm going to seek out colours that I'd never normally wear and just go for it, regardless of how ridiculous I think I'll look. Pictures are sure to follow.

I caught a pin in my eye tonight, it wasn't very pleasant at all. I was using one to clean out the gaps between letters on my keyboard and somehow managed to spring it upwards, into my squishy, seeing-orb. Beyond momentary pain, a wounded ego and a good laugh at my own expense, no damage seems to be done. I guess I'm lucky when it comes to my misfortunes.

I've spent the last few hours cuddled up in bed watching Disney films and it's warming my heart. The evening started off with Fantasia, as I haven't watched the full movie in years. I used to be particularly terrified of the scenes involving Mickey Mouse and the moving brooms because the Master Wizard looked so sinister, and even worse, the Night on Bald Mountain scene! I've found a new appreciation for it, but that wizard still makes my skin crawl.

Anyways, I followed up that film with The Little Mermaid because I was in the mood for a timeless classic and it was the first one readily available. Is it just me or does watching the Kiss The Girl scene just never cease to melt your heart? I think this is the only movie in the world that can make me feel like I want to fall completely in love. I want to be someone's Prince Eric! Auditions for the Ariel role starting now!

Following that, I went into an extremely under-appreciated, forgotten gem: The Great Mouse Detective. This Disney parody of Sherlock Holmes is completely and utterly brilliant. I don't know why this one isn't as celebrated as it's many, many companions. I'm calling shenanigans on this.

Tomorrow night...or rather, should I be saying tonight? Either way, the Bloc Party show is in just over 12 hours and I am much more excited about it than I thought I would be. Frankly, Intimacy just didn't impress me as much as their previous works. When I first heard it, outside of a few tracks (Signs and Zephyr spring to mind) I thought it was forgettable at best. It's grown on me, though! Here's hoping the performance is as good.

Thursday night is the Underoath/Norma Jean concert. It feels really weird staring down a ticket to this show. Maybe that's just the nostalgia kicking in because I haven't been to a hardcore show in longer than I'd like to admit. Underoath, especially! Despite the fact that I'll undoubtedly be surrounded by a sea of 14 year olds in get-ups the rest of us had been rocking in 2004, I'm positive it's going to be a blast. If they play When the Sun Sleeps, I am going to lose my shit and call everyone from the Dawson Third Floor crew, mark my words.

See? I just did it again! It's 4:02 now. Talk about useless super-powers.

Right then, I'm going to end this here.

(But seriously, looking for an Ariel. I want Disney romance time.)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Shinking Ships.

For the last few days, I've had this weight on me that I couldn't quite explain or understand. It was a sort of sinking feeling, like everything was rushing up at once and engulfing me. I wrote it off, like I do anything anymore, thinking that it was nothing more than stress from school.

Strange thing though, today. I met up with a friend (who, at her request, shall remain nameless.) and we spent some time together. Coffee, lunch, nothing complicated. We both had some errands to run this morning, so why not get together? At any rate, during the sit-down, half way through my hot chocolate and in the middle of our discussion, a strange thing happened. I had both my hands resting on the table, one holding onto my mug, the other laying casually. While this friend was speaking, her hand brushed over my free one and time stopped. Suddenly, I wasn't sinking anymore. The weight had dissipated and all that was left was this calm feeling.

I realized then and there just how cut off from everyone I truly have become. I haven't so much as even made contact with another person in weeks prior to that moment. No hugs, no hand shakes, nothing. It was the strangest realization. Now, I'm sitting here at 5:44 in the morning and thinking about all the things I've forgotten.

I can't think of the last kiss I meant, the last hand I held or the last word I said and genuinely felt. Instead, I've turned into some sort of robot in the way that I follow my routine, cut myself off and eliminate any chance at real interaction anymore.

And that essentially sums it up. I've become a flesh-and-blood robot.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


I am having a hard time finding things both clever and worth saying on this blog. I feel this is because for the last little while, my life has been wholly unexciting; an empty shell of what my life normally is and should be.

Why, you might ask! Well, that's simple. Midterms are over and now, the crunch to make it to my finals has begun. I have upwards of 8 essays to write over the coming weeks, three short stories, two in-depth analysis papers and a set of works written by other classmates that I need to peer-edit. In short, my head is spinning and I've not the energy or the time to go out on an adventure. This makes me sad. Very, very sad.

On the bright side, all this time spent sitting in front of a computer has given me a mountain of new bands to listen to. Nothing in the universe excites me more than having an iPod freshly loaded with artists that I've never heard before and a long trip to listen to them on. What with this cold, I'm left taking the bus and wandering downtown which is always nice but...

I'm craving summer and it's getting bad. I miss walking around parks and neighborhoods at 4 a.m. when I have nothing else to do thanks to my darling friend, insomnia. I miss scorching hot days that make you glad there's ice cream in your belly and a pool in your backyard. I miss that feeling of the cool breeze against you, and the way the night air feels so very alive.

So, while downtown today I saw a sign that said "God is not a Science." Apparently this is part of a campaign to keep religion out of public schools, but more specifically, to keep the creationism theory out of science classes. I love it. It's about time some logical opinion was voiced publicly instead of the usual "go to church or go to hell", "jesus saves" nonsense.

I am dying for new Gossip Girl episodes. Monday cannot come fast enough.

And finally, I did a video for a friend's youtube channel! She needed someone to throw questions at and asked me if I was interested. I couldn't refuse! The end result was kind of incredible, so watch it!