Saturday, December 5, 2009

Music, 2009

Cross-posted from the Caves of Narshe, here is my massive collection of thoughts toward the best ten or so albums to be released in 2009. Now, of course the year isn't over yet and this isn't to say they were the ONLY albums I enjoyed this year, however, they're the ones that got the most play. I realize most of you don't care enough to read this, fewer still have the patience, so feel free to skip through to your heart's content. With that, let's get started!

Metric - Fantasies
This truly has been a huge year for bands with female vocalists. That being said, I think it only appropriate to begin my list with the best of that class. This album is a much more mature production from the band, in terms of lyrical and song content, but also in production value. It's certainly a much more refined, elegant body of work than the usual raw-quality most Metric albums have had in the past. Full of synth-pop hooks and brilliant vocal deliveries, Fantasies is without a doubt one of the most impressive releases to come out in '09. If you bought this album over iTunes, you'd have also received acoustic versions of "Gimme Sympathy" and "Help, I'm Alive". Both of which are absolutely haunting and brilliant.
Recommended Listening: Satellite Mind, Gimme Sympathy (acoustic version)

Tegan & Sara - Sainthood
Forgoing their old, simpler format of acoustic guitars and the occasional drum beat, these two sisters have really come a long way over the years. Sainthood, I think, is Tegan & Sara at their very best, which is saying quite a mouthful because their last album, The Con, remains one of my favorite albums of all time. Like Metric, they decided on going with a larger production and a fuller sound, invoking several 80's pop themes in subdued, approachable fashion. Ever featuring their now signature alternating, harmonal vocal delivery, it would be an understatement to say Tegan and Sara really delivered the goods here.
Recommended Listening: Hell, Alligator, Arrow

Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career
This album is nothing short of spectacular. Featuring a sound that can only be described as a modern throwback to 50's rock with a hint of cabaret and tied together with a brilliant vocal delivery by Tracyanne Campbell, this album exists in a category of it's own. I guess that's to be expected when you get produced by Jari Haapalainen of The Bear Quartet and feature appearances by Björn Yttling, of Peter Bjorn and John. Each song stands well on it's own right, but more impressively, they all flow brilliantly one into another, all without making their style come off as forced or gimmicky. Warm, easy to listen to and vastly approachable, this belongs in everyone's library.
Recommended Listening: French Navy, The Sweetest Thing, Careless Love

Matt & Kim - Grand
It's hard to describe all the things that define Matt & Kim musically. They're energetic and frantic, yet artful in their delivery and intensely catchy. Grand is a lo-fi example of what the indie scene ought to be; a perfect amalgamation of concept and content. It's got spunk and a care-free sort of feel that makes this album more approachable than their previous release, so I would definitely recommend this body of work as a starting point to anyone unfamiliar with their music. My only complaint is that the album as a whole is very short, each song generally being anywhere from just over a minute to just under 3. As a whole, the album spans just under half an hour. This, however, is only a minor tick on an otherwise brilliant album.
Recommended Listening: Daylight, I'll Take Us Home, Lesson Learned

Lights - The Listening
This girl just absolutely knows how to compose catchy songs. Her songs are simple, though masterfully composed, and rely heavily on synth-powered electronic riffs layered on top of each other. What really impresses me about Lights is the way she manages to keep her material easy to listen to and not overly electronic, especially in today's world of heavily abused auto-tune, drum machines and techno-beats. There's something very relaxed to her approach that sets this album apart from the others. She's definitely an artist to keep an eye on in the future.
Recommended Listening: River, Saviour, The Last Thing On Your Mind, Lions!

Passion Pit - Manners
Shock! Another electro-pop, indie band! When Passion Pit released their Chunk of Change EP at the tail-end of 2008, I was sure that their upcoming album was going to be great. In this, I was not disappointed. I don't know how else to describe Manners except as a decadent. It's clear that this was an album made with the intention of pushing the boundaries of what people would except from the genre, and while sometimes it comes off a little strong, or "indie-for-the-sake-of-indie", it's still a brilliant collection of tunes that you cannot help but want to dance to.
Recommended Listening: Moth's Wings, To Kingdom Come, Little Secrets

Taking Back Sunday - New Again
The fourth album release from the Long Island based pop-punk powerhouse group, and the first album featuring new guitarist Matthew Fazzi, formerly of Facing New York. This album features everything you could ever expect from Taking Back Sunday: clever lyrics, catchy riffs and brilliant vocals. This album thematically takes a step away from their usual niche, and is a much more personal work. For example, the track Capital M-E deal with the departure of their former guitarist, or Lonely, Lonely dealing with the solitude of being on the road, away from home for months on end, constantly surrounded by strangers. Of the albums included in this list, New Again has definitely been listened to the most. What particularly stands out about New Again is the tone; the guitars especially are less gritty and offer a much cleaner take of the same beloved style. It's a subtle difference, but it helps hold this album above some of their other works.
Recommended Tracks: New Again, Cut Me Up Jenny, Summer Man

Every Time I Die - New Junk Aesthetic
The definitive hardcore album of the last two years, to say the very least. This album is innovative, aggressive, witty and unforgettable. Drawing from mathcore, southern rock and with a pop sensibility that makes this album less intimidating than any of their previous works, it'd be an understatement to say Every Time I Die had outdone themselves when they made this album. Opting to have it recorded at a local, low-end studio, the album has the sort of sound you'd attribute to a live-recording without losing anything in clarity. As a result, it's a much more raw sounding body of work, and the high energy of their live performances carries through.
Recommended Listening: The Marvelous Slut, Wanderlust, Who Invited The Russian Soldier?

Between the Buried and Me - The Great Misdirect
This album is probably the only metal album that was released this year that impressed me at all. I don't know if this is because the genre as a whole has become an overwhelming disappointment or because these guys, without fail, produce brilliant and mind blowing music. Every time they release an album, I find myself saying "There is no possible way their next album can top this!" Well, they somehow manage to do so each and every time. I submit that their drummer is a robot, because the speed and precision he plays with, combined with the complex nature of what he plays is outright impossible for any human man to accomplish. The same, of course, can be said for any member of this band, however. It's hard for me to talk about anything this band does without gushing, I just love them that much. The Great Misdirect takes their eclectic style one step further, offering fewer songs though much longer in length, and each with several self-contained changes of pace. This album is only six-songs long, however, in a Dream Theatre like fashion, each song is anywhere between seven minutes to thirteen, and they do so without ever feeling like the song is dragging on or getting repetitive.
Recommended Listening: Swim to the Moon, Desert of Song, Fossil Genera - A Feed From Cloud Mountain

Moneen - The World I Want To Leave Behind
Moneen hasn't put out an album since their 2006 release, 'The Red Tree". So, suffice it to say that I eagerly awaited the release of this album for some time now. It, in terms of style, is very similar to the previous album, featuring heavy use of melodic guitar riffs, energetic drum riffs and layered vocal lines. A mix between post-hardcore and pop-punk, this album appeals to fans of the genre, but I would definitely recommend it to someone who otherwise would never give it the chance. Definitely a more mature body of work than their previous albums, it resembles the Vheissu album released by Thrice some time ago.
Recommended Listening: The Long Count, Hold That Sound, The Glass House

This Will Destroy You - Field Studies EP (feat. Lymbyc Systym)
These guys are masters of post-rock in a way that no words can do justice. Take the best of Explosions in the Sky, add the soundscaping, atmospheric qualities of Mogwai, then add a twist of warm summer nights and you have this band. This E.P. expands on the post-rock genre by including subdued electronica overtones and a hint of raw, garage rock styled drumming in a way that feels synthetic to the music. This album is essentially the perfect soundtrack to any evening, and frequently used by yours truly whenever studying, reading, or writing. A must have for anyone who appreciates post-rock.
Recommended Listening: Narita, Brutalism & The Worship Of The Machine
Disappointments of the year:

Muse - The Resistance
I really tried to like this album. Honestly, I did. In the time leading up to it, based solely off the single, I expected something equally as brilliant as their past works. Why wouldn't I, after all, Muse had yet to disappoint me. Well, it happened. Once the initial "this is Muse, therefore this must be excellent" wore off, the album grew to be quite stale and, if I wasn't already a fan of the band, would find this body of work entirely unapproachable. The music comes off as artful for the sake of being so in that everything is completely over the top. Now, that isn't always a bad thing, but here it's just too much. As it is now, the only tracks I enjoy are Uprising and MK Ultra. The rest have sadly just fallen flat.

The Fall of Troy - In The Unlikely Event
I expected this, as I was not at all a fan of Manipulator, their last official album. What small glimmer of hope I had in this band returning to their old ways when they released Phantoms on the Horizon vanished as soon as I heard the opening track to this epic let down. The frantic guitar playing has become predictable and boring, the eclectic, raw nature that once defined their music has been dumbed down, stripped and made into standard song progressions, even the singing has become softer. There isn't a single track on this album that honestly sounds like The Fall of Troy to me, and it's heartbreaking. Doppelganger is still one of my favorite albums of the last decade, so it pains me to see this band fall so far.

Dredg - The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion
I have no idea what happened to this band. Catch Without Arms was a masterpiece and probably one of the best examples of functional art rock. Each song held it's own as unique and unforgettable. On this album, however, not a single track stands out. No hooks, no chills, no moments where I'd need to sit down, just the overwhelming desire to pretend this album never happened.

Thrice - Beggars
After the Alchemy Index, I knew it would be difficult for Thrice to release something as impressive, and certainly it'd take them some time to compose any worthwhile material. It seems that instead, they opted quantity over quality, pumping out this album less than a year after the release of their final Alchemy Index collection. The result is something listenable, but lackluster. Most of these songs fall flat, lacking the drive of previous works from this once great band. I hope they find their grove again.

Weezer - Raditude
This band used to be the epitome of cool. Especially during the high school years, I don't think there was a single band that brought people together like Weezer did. Their music was catchy without sacrificing substance, simplistic and rocking all the same. Raditude is the natural progression from their last album, which was equally unimpressive and just as heart breaking. I keep hoping that Rivers will come up with another Maladroit and it sadly never happens.

AFI - Crashlove
With the incredible collection of music that was Decemberunderground and AFI's general tendency to never disappoint, I was very excited about the release of this album. Especially since this band has never kept a specific format for more than an album, making them one of the more difficult groups to classify. Well, this album is disappointingly classifiable enough: it sucks. Gone are the sing-a-long choruses that made their songs so infectious or the clever lyrics that set Davey Havok apart as a brilliant songwriter. This was, for me, the most heartbreaking release of 2009.

Honorable mentions for notably good albums that I enjoyed but didn't end up at the top of my list:

Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca
Ghinzu - Mirror, Mirror
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
MSTRKRFT - Fist of God
Oceansize - Home and Minor ep
Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest
HORSE the band - DesPirate Living
The Bird and the Bee - Ray Guns Are Not Just The Future
Morrissey - Years of Refusal
Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Its Blitz!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Terrible! How Terrible For The Great City!

I've begun each entry of late with an apology for my lack of updates. To be perfectly honest, I've made many an attempt to fill this little white box with all the clever words I could muster, but always, my fingers found their way back to the delete key.

I'm never satisfied. But hey, I'm human! And like every other creature, I'm deeply, deeply flawed. I can't help it, only do my best to make good on the things I have.

October 26th is fast approaching; another birthday to be had. Saying that I'm absolutely mortified about this would be a grand understatement. I'm getting old. Too old, I think, for my tastes. Thus, I've decided that from this year onward, I'll subtract a year from my total rather than add one on. Coupled with heavy drinking, subconscious suggestion and preferably a mad scientist's formula for eternal youth, I'll have this crisis averted yet.

In the mean time, I'll just have to accept yet another truth: I'm a 10 year old trapped in the body of a 22 year old. I still prefer chocolate milk and apple juice to most beverages, I still highly enjoy Saturday morning cartoons, video games and all the childishness you'd expect of someone who could never really grow up. So this year, rather than wish me "happy birthday!" I'd much prefer if you simply wished me "Good Luck!" dealing with this.

I always imagined that by 22, I'd be mostly or completely done with school, have a career in front of me and a life of relative ease. Clearly, I had my life mistaken for someone else's. Graduation is something that is still light years away from where I am now, further still if I commit to the chances I'm considering taking. Don't get me wrong, I know that nothing ever goes according to plan and life is certainly more interesting this way, but once upon a time, I had different dreams.

Now, the only thing I seem to wish for is a freaking zombie apocalypse. (Any moment now would be nice.)

At least I've got my heart. Five months in is fairly impressive, I'd say! She keeps me moving forward, one heart-beat at a time.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

An Old Codfish.

I believe, with the utmost conviction, that we are infinitely wiser as children than we could ever hope to be with age, through schooling or any manner of experience. We possessed an unfaltering appreciation of the world around us, a wonder and love for the things that now seem so mundane or trivial, an insatiable curiosity and absolutely no fear whatsoever of the unknown. We'd scrape our knees, but the pain would pass in moments and we'd be smiling again as if we never fell at all. Our spirits were unbreakable and we loved without reservation or hesitation. Completely and utterly.

That certainty is something I'll forever miss. All children, save one, grow old and must eventually lose themselves, for certainly we are lost. Try as I might to recapture that wonder, that fearlessness, we all fall victim to the burdens and responsibilities that have become our day-to-day lives. Fear to keep us docile; repetition ad nauseam.

All this to say that I have come to feel comfortable with being completely at odds with myself and that worries me greatly. I'm spouting ideas that hardly even make sense in order to relay the idea that I, for all my egotism, have lost sight of that which defined me for so very long and find my own skin to be quite strange. I'm retracing steps in hopes of finding my way back home to Never-Land, though it seems I've run completely out of pixie dust or happy thoughts.

What's a boy to do?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Where Has The Time Gone?

A thousand times again, forgive me. I don't know how I let it come to pass that July would fly by and catch me here without a single blog entry. Verily, I have failed you, my beloved readers. Alas, I know I left you on baited breath, waiting for some sign of life and left you without so much as a few cobbled, witty remarks. If it's all the same to you, I'd very much like to go on about our business as if this whole sordid affair never did transpire.

In other words, let's get back to the task at hand!

Someone said something today that struck a nerve. It was something to this extent:

"Kids these days, they're so narcissistic. Everything is about them, their needs, their wants, their internet and their damn social lives. It's pathetic. Back in my time, we did productive things! We went to church, we respected those around us, we didn't ask questions or act like we had the answers to everything and we didn't need to broadcast to the world every tiny little detail of our lives!"

Fueled by my general love for confrontation and the fact that this stranger had, in very many regions of his broad and very ignorant statement, attacked my own character, I decided to have a little bit of fun.

"Does loving myself make me narcissistic? Does having the entire wealth of knowledge stored upon the internet, thus having access to information you'd never dream of mean nothing? We question things because we know better than to trust things at face value. We read, we write, we socialize, we contribute and we grow into the roles that you need to keep your precious world together. That very same world is the one we'll inherit, complete with all your mistakes and misgivings, so forgive us if we're only concerned with our own lives, wants and needs. We'll be spending the rest of our lives catering to yours, so please, indulge us."

Apparently this man was genuinely surprised to hear my rebuttal, as his face visibly paled and his mouth was left agape. One would have assumed he'd expect no less from a creature so completely in love with himself. Better still was the fact that he shrugged me off and, as many before him often do, replied with a simple statement:

"You'll change your mind when you're older, you'll complain just the same about your children and you'll come to understand that the only things you can trust in are your family and God."

I can't begrudge this as I'm sure that if I've ever the misfortune of children, I'll definitely loathe them something terrible. Oh, it won't be their fault, to be sure! I just can't be expected to love anything other than myself, apparently.

Now, on to personal matters!

Today, a computer tower was dropped onto my right hand. Excruciating, let me tell you. It turned several shades of yellow and blue and began to swell into quite a mess. Just when I thought my aches and pains were over, a shelf collapsed onto my head, aggravating an already bad headache into a full-on migraine, bumping my poor skull and, worst of all, forced me to bite down on my tongue. Thankfully, I didn't sever the thing, but I still bled quite a bit. If there has been any constant in my life, it is that I am a human accident magnet.

After finishing work, I went to have my hand checked out. If you've read my blog for some time, or know me personally, you'd know I have a terrible fear of hospitals, clinics and any other building associated with practiced medicine. So, shaking like a little girl being stared down by a pedo in a dark alley, I struggled to find the patience to wait my turn and hear this bitter, snarky old woman tell me to "Stop being a baby and put some ice on it, the swelling would go down."

Again, I couldn't hold my tongue.

"Thank you, Dr. Douchebag! Did you learn this sage-like advice while in Med. school, or was it your many years in practice that developed your keen eye and wonderful diagnostic and healing ability?"

It felt good, I can assure you of that.

At any rate, I now find myself at home, writing to you of my darling adventures. I had missed you, dear readers. I hope this entry finds you all in good health and cheer. Until next time, which I promise you will be soon!

p.s. Caspian, the band, is absolutely my new obsession. I've only rediscovered them, having never really given them the chance the first time around. Truely beautiful instrumental post-rock. You should all check out their album, "The Four Trees."

Monday, June 29, 2009

A Letter To Her;

I've always been, at heart, much more a fighter than a lover. Oh, sure, I pride myself on a clever tongue and an impossibly quick wit, but these tools have always been put to much less romantically inclined use. Do I regret now, being in the position wherein I must act for greater goods and put selves before my own, not having done so earlier? No. Of course not. Loving and Fighting are two incredibly similar things, after all.

Still, I had a finer appreciation of the game when my own heart was not the ante on the table. I suppose it's the nature of the beast! All the same, it's leading to a place I've never been and I fear that my lack of direction will send us down paths better left untrodden.

I'm teaching myself the fine art of holding my tongue and learned to silence the massive monster that is my ego. Still, I'm left with that bittersweet feeling that it could never be enough to make me worthy. That I am, at best, a pale imitation of someone made for this dance. Time alone will tell.

'Til then, I fear my mistakes will be great and many and for them all, regardless of how tiny, I apologize profusely. I can only learn from the knees I scrape in trying to be good enough. I pray you've the patience, because I plan to make it all quite worth the while. Where now, I can't help but cross lines and crawl under your skin, I hope to someday light up your eyes.

All this to say that I've still got a lot to learn, but I'm trying my hardest to be the one whose name you can't keep off your tongue. I promise, I'll be second to none.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The best things in life become our ultimate downfall. Too much of a good thing is harmful, but what about the road to that point? Equally harmful is the lengths we go to protect those good things, or worse still, the way we come to expect these things to be ours and ours alone.

I've been at a loss for things to say lately, and for that, I apologize. I feel like I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's just that I've hardly been motivated at all to write. That being said, I'm going to start trying new things with this blog; really give it some content.

Until then, try not to let the good things become your vice.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”

- Chuck Palahnuik.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Wash His Name Off Your Tongue, I'll Be Second To None!

When confronted with awkward and, sometimes inconvenient truths, it is often easier to act as if we had never learned it at all, rather than make the necessary changes, or move on. Still, actions will always speak louder than words and nothing learned can quickly be forgotten. That said, what to do when you learn that all is not as it seems? Is it better to always seek the truth, knowing full well that it may do, or worse, undo? Or, is it more prudent to accept what is at face value and await the impending calamity that always is the coming to light of things? After all, nothing stays buried forever. In this electronic, scientific day and age, even secrets taken to the grave may soon be exposed to the light of day. What then?

As a side note, why is it that the present and the past are constantly juxtaposed, or made to be compared? It seems as if there is a rather unsettling habit among people to cherish what was, and through it, downplay what is. Lovers to former lovers, friends to their former selves, or friends who came before them, even homes to former residences. And do we ever really move on, or do we simply look for more of the same? Other things to remind us of what we had, and when that is lost, things to remind us then of those things too.

Can't we ever just be happy with the things we have?

Call it a sin of pride, but especially for me, nothing annoys me more than being compared to another person, or generalized. I feel as if it devalues the individual. Of course many people will have similarities, be they physical or psychological, in our interests or our mannerisms, but that does not equate to us being the same person or type of person. No one should ever be compared to anyone else, as we're all our own beings, complete with our own unique perspective, and should be afforded that basic respect.

I live entirely too much inside my head, I fear it's a result of not having enough to do these long nights. Worse, my sleeping pills have already begun to lose their impact. I'm not to saddened by this, as they tend to induce the most disturbing dreams. Chrissy, if you read this, come chat me up sometime. I had quite an interesting one with you in it.

Despite the bitter overtones in this rant, I've actually been in good spirits lately. Sure, sleep has been all but non-existent and things grow more complicated by the day, but I feel as if it's all looking up. Lots of firsts, lots of new experiences, and strangely, lots of smiles in the life of Jav.

Here's hoping it continues this way.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'll Put My Money Where My Mouth Is.

I love the way the very moment you feel as if you finally have your whole life figured out, everything goes absolutely haywire and you find yourself back at the bottom of that deep, dark well, looking for a way to crawl back up. Don't get me wrong, what's life without being constantly kept on your toes? Growing into routine is growing stagnant and terrible for the soul, or so I'm told.
My last entry, I spoke of taking the plunge. Well, I've hit the bottom now and have new heights to aspire to. I'm already loving the view. So far, this vacation is shaping up to be a perfect blend of the good in old things and incredible new adventures.

I know I promised rants and lots of lovely words, but for the most part I've been facing one terrible writer's block. It's actually quite unnerving, being inspired to write but having nothing worth saying! Wine and good cheer make it hard to be fork-tongued and cynical, but I am what I am and eventually it will come out.

So far and as of yet, no real plans for this summer. I don't mind that quite so much at all. Usually all plans made just fall through and things end up getting done in the spur of the moment. That suits me just fine.

It's funny how the moment you try to walk away from people is the same moment they need you back in their lives. I've begun to process of cutting people entirely out of my life again, just because I've come to realize I don't have time entertaining people who see no value in me as a person outside a drinking buddy and source for amusement. I've held my tongue to some people for far too long for the sake of friendships that once were, rather than voicing my growing distaste for them now. I'm done with the social niceties.

The sun HAD been shining just a moment ago, and I'm sad to see it hiding behind clouds and the potential for rain. Bring back the warmth, I need you to shed this cold I've apparently caught from being out in the wet and cold for too long.

Smiles to all.

Friday, May 8, 2009

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

Rough last few days, and I don't quite yet feel like the storm is over yet. In fact, it seems as if this is only the calm just before the real thunder, lightning and flying cows begin to invade. When it settles, I fully expect not to be in Kansas anymore. (And since I never was in the first place, this is an ambition I can, for once, satisfy! Huzzah for setting your self-standards impossibly low!)

This might just be the prevailing fear of all the "new" things I've recently plunged into; and when I say plunged, I absolutely mean diving headfirst into the unknown without so much as a second-guess. It feels new, exciting and, most surprisingly, terrifying. This is the same boy who thinks of everything as a chance to escape the normal monotony of day-to-day life, and yet here I am! I suppose it's merely because for once, I'm not invincible. The cleverness of me and my indestructible ego can do me no good here. What to do? Things are complicated, but I'm enjoying it. Curious. It seems the heart has temporarily beaten out the brain in this epic struggle.

In the words of another, "I've found a box of sharp objects, what a beautiful thing."

I feel like I owe this blog an actual rant, or rather, something of worth rather than my vague prattlings about a life you can only ever catch in glimpses. I promise, to that extent, that several are on the way. I apologize for the lack of anything interesting! Soon, soon, and more frequent. I've gained back my serpent's tongue!

Stay tuned, loves.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Old Ghosts, New Ideas

Milan Kundera once said that if something were to only happen once, it may as well have never happened at all. As we, humans, have but one life to live, we may as well have never lived at all for how little influence we could make upon the vast universe. For many, this is a frightening concept. I can understand why! At first glance, it would seem as if this Nietzschian-esque philosophy were outright extreme pessimism at best, nihilistic at it's worst.

For me, however, there could be nothing more encouraging. If I may as well have not existed, if all my choices, all my mistakes and triumphs are to have no overall significance in the grand scheme of things, then I am truly weightless and free to make any choice I desire, as I desire.

In short, I'm fully ready to start taking the sort of risks that would normally give me pause because I've absolutely nothing to lose from the experience. Too often, our fear and worry of failure and consequence act as anchors, keeping us trapped at the bottom of the sea in a crippling sort of stand-still. It's already begun, I think, as I've always been prone to act first and then rationalize my actions later (if at all!).

Growth! Try as I might to fight it, it's inevitable in me. Even Pan, The Avenger became more complex a personality as he met Wendy and interacted with new places and people! So too, then, must I and I'll ride on the backs of all the winds to do so. Happy thoughts and pixie dust.

In case it hasn't already become obvious, my insomnia is absolutely still in full force and my renewed refusal to take sleeping pills has left me feeling rebellious all over again. Consequently, I find myself motivated to write and write and write!

She'll catch his eyes
through empty skies
and light a beacon in the dark.
Hers is the only voice he knows,
His is the only ghost she chose.

A slow waltz,
clumsy steps that lead into
a frantic sort of passionate movement
she's floating, light-footed
he's sinking through the floors.

Outstretched fingers brushing lips,
hushing every sigh, muting every kiss,
giving form and weight and context
to the breeze that bore the flighty heart.
New moons birthing weary eyelids,
resting heads over slowly moving chests,
dancing with every breath.

Still, he'll catch her eyes
though they've dimmed the lights
and line a path back to the cloth.
She'll give a smile, and all the while,
laughter in the dark.

He said he wanted the weight of her,
she said it was never hers to give. "Some
questions are better left unanswered"
"Sometimes it even hurts to laugh"


p.s. I think I've fallen.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

"Round and round the sun we go; the moon goes round the earth. We do not die of death we die of vertigo!"

Sometimes, it's hard to not believe in some higher force orchestrating things from afar, because life is far too wicked and ironic for me sometimes. For instance, the night that I cave and finally take my sleeping pills, I spend hugging a toilet because of an unforeseen bad reaction, and so I end up awake anyways. Meanwhile, the night before gave the best sleep I've had in ages, however brief it might have been, and achieved without ever going near those stupid pills.

The family is off in Italy and, as a result, my brother and I have had the home to ourselves entirely. Needless to say, each day has been quite interesting. Since exams ended last week, I've spent a grand total of two days sober. 2/7 isn't so bad at all, I don't think!

I've been spending time outside my usual circle and I've got to say, it's actually very liberating. I've said it before, but meeting new people is always a fun experience for me. Or, just getting to know people that I never took the time to before, equally fulfilling! The point is that boxing myself in was not a wise choice and now I am going to spend days talking to bums, strangers, passerby and anything remotely alive-looking that I come across.

Speaking of bums, what's with homeless people in this town growing more and more bold? Can we not drink in a park in the middle of the afternoon without being accosted by some dumpster-dweller? We understand that we're essentially drinking on your lawn, but asking for my beer is like asking for my HEART. Scratch that, I'd rather give up my pump-organ than my liquid happy. Hilariously enough, he had a nice pair of snake-skin boots.

Not a good year for sports! All my teams were hit with early eliminations! The Giants, Juventus, Liverpool, and now the Canadiens! We're out of the playoffs, but I only just got started growing out a beard and have no desire to shave just yet. So, I've decided that I'm going to continue to carelessly let the face-fuzz run rampant across my visage. The progress will doubtlessly feature on dailybooth at some point or another, so if you're not already on there and following me, what are you waiting for?

We haven't even begun summer yet and already this vacation is shaping out to be infinitely better than the last. I'm strangely at peace with all the occurrences in Javland. Oh, certainly there is drama and due stupidity, but when you don't really much care, it simply becomes entertaining. Or maybe it's just because I'm allegedly a "shitty person" or "the worst person ever", or my personal favorite, "the original asshole." My only regret is that these people don't have the nerve to voice their opinions to my face, so I can better demonstrate my assholery in full-force.

I desperately need new reading material. Late nights are unbearable without a good book to keep my company and I've finished everything on my list of things to read. So, if you've heard of or put down some particularly fun novels lately, throw some suggestions my way! I'll love you forever if you do.

Wolverine: Origins comes out in theatres next week and I am absolutely, positively, utterly and completely beyond excited for this movie. My three favorite Marvel characters on film, two of which appearing for the first time? Gambit and Deadpool equate to fanboy-mode Javex. True story.

and finally, in music land, I am all about four albums right now. Bitte Orca, by the Dirty Projectors, It's Blitz! by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Fantasies by Metric and Chunk of Change by Passion Pit. I recommend all of them to everyone, ever.

And with that, I'm going to go play more RE:5 'til sunrise.
Goodnight, droogs!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Where Can I Find A Woman Like That?

Quite possibly the greatest song ever written.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Vowels Lost in the Gauze.

I need to somehow merge sober Jav and head-full-of-liquor Jav into someone who will actually
have the nerve to say and do what I truly, deep down, want to. Until then, many more nights grinding teeth to powder. I'm slowly undoing years worth of conditioning and adaptation, for what?
Well, I'm not sure but it's happening regardless of whether I want it to or not. An adventure! A strange new kind that doesn't require indians or pirates or the Lost Boys (though having them behind me would be of great help.)

I really want to have metal parts. A MegaMan blaster-arm would be essential to the build, along with cool robot eye-glowing scannery-type stuff.

Tonight was strange and interesting and I'm not sure how, exactly, I ended up involved in this but it has been fairly enjoyable. I forgot how much fun spending time with "new" people can be. Making new connections with people is always a fun experiment. The ending kind of fell apart and I'm extremely uncertain as to how I even got home at all. Not sure what it is about me, but I seem to attract all the crazies in this town. While waiting for my bus, someone popped out of a CoucheTard and threatened to cut my head off. Apparently I was giving him dirty looks or something? He ended up throwing a glass bottle in my direction, thankfully not hitting me, and getting pinned to the ground by metro police.

Let it never be said that my life is boring.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Ask No Questions, Tell No Lies.

There are some things you're better off just not knowing.

Polaroids of Polarbears.

I've got the first Alexisonfire album blasting and a Foufs-induced headache still pounding away at my brain. Saying that this feels familiar would be a huge under-statement. Still, it was a goodnight! Well worth losing my voice shouting at strangers and singing Spice Girls at the top of my lungs for. (Hilariously, every song I sang before we entered the club was played once we were inside. Ace of Base included.)

I can't help but feel like now that I'm done school for the summer, I've nothing overly productive to do and while at first, I embraced this idea whole-heartedly, I now find myself very much put off by the it. Sure, I've several projects lined up to keep me busy, but frankly, it won't be enough. I don't, however, want to spend my entire summer doing nothing but working as last year went, 'lest I die from boredom and the subsequent lonliness.

Interestingly, I've found a nice, thin, long cut that stretches from the top of my left rib, just under my heart, down to just under the fourth rib moving outward. No idea how I got it, or even when. I hadn't even noticed it until I took a shower earlier and my chest began to sting. (No, I don't often look at mirrors whilst topless.)

Tomorrow, I'm going downtown to trade in my DS Lite for a new, sexy Nintendo DSi. I haven't decided on which colour to get, but it's going to be the new apple of my eye for quite a while to come, especially since my Xbox hasn't come home yet. (Miss you, seXbox.)

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Oh, for those keeping track, I'm still operating on zero sleep. Go me!

I just finished watching Moulin Rouge for the 30th time and I forgot how much I love Ewan McGregan is this movie. Nicole Kidman, not so much. At any rate, what with that tear-jerker ending, I need something violent or funny or both to lighten my spirits.

Or Skins. Because I haven't marathoned the first Generation in a while. (read: few days.)
Or maybe the Sopranos? I haven't watched it over since the series officially ended. (and terribly, I might add.) Mind, I could also go with Roswell. (which makes me think of you, Chrissy.)

Anything, really, to keep me company.

Oh, hey, cool! My nose just started bleeding all on it's own. That's fun! Yet another clear sign that my body is falling apart, I suppose. That and the fact that I found gray hair on my head. Despite my initial joy at the idea of having a head full of grey hair, growing it incredibly long and calling myself Sephiroth, (a joke I think that will go over most of your heads.) it's actually kind of disturbing.

Does anyone remember the Bots Master cartoon from the early 90's? The one that was partially in 3d, so if you bought the toys and had the glasses, you could see the ninja robot jump out at you, or the explosions come out of your tv set? I just found those 3d glasses in a time-capsule shoe-box along with my Sega Game Gear and some comic books (Mostly Deadpool and Gambit. Some things never change.) Anyways, I'm torrenting the entire series now and going to make the most of these glasses. IT'S LASER TIME!!1!!1! (Oh, how I miss corny 90's catch-phrases.)

Have any of you guys ever made yourselves time-capsules? If so, what've you stuck inside 'em if it was recently and if you don't remember, have you ever opened one? I used to make a bunch and left myself treasure maps to them.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Hands Reaching In The Dark.

Sweet Fred Astaire, you always know exactly what to say. Each movement meticulous and perfect, each line clever and rehearsed. You never miss a beat, never skip a verse. A smile, and subdue those with eyes upon you; a graceful twist and turn-on-heel to have them breathless, baited for you. If my voice could reach those notes, would I have your charm? If I could learn to tap my toes, would it get me very far? I'm sorry, but tonight I think in prose.

I've got my guitar in hand at 5 a.m., singing nothing but sad songs. I meant to write great things. I meant to cobble melodies together, bright enough to make you smile and loud enough for you to hear it always. It feels sometimes like my skin is in the way; a filter between what I want to think and what I mean to say. When finally they manifest and take shape, they're nothing like what I imagined, just more of the same. But I'm growing! Stretching, wrenching, tossing, turning and spending every restless night becoming. Yes, becoming. Turning into something I could, for once, bear to bring to light. Can you taste it in the air? It's lingering like a perfect kiss, haunting you like ghosts on the edges of your lips. A breath for every heart beat. And it does beat! Like a drum, it's frantic first and races against itself just to make a sound and be heard, but calms and finally becomes strong.





Our hands are reaching in the dark. Fingers stretching outwards, hoping for that first innocent brush. Then interlock and anchor one to another. Pull them close, hold them tightly, each wrapped inside another. Palms meet and retract slightly, hiding nervous sweat and blushing cheeks. Only for a moment, then tightly grasped and sealed. Two hands, two arms, two hearts thumping, struggling to keep warm; a rhythm drumming in the dark.

I couldn't say it with words. My tongue is far too clumsy.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Hurrah! Freedom!

"And there were moments on that first night in this fetid little paradise when I prayed that in spite of all my secrets, I was somehow kin to every mortal man. Maybe I was not the exotic outcast that I imagined, but merely the dim magnification of every human soul. Old truths and ancient magic, revolution and invention, all conspire to distract us from the passion that in one way or another defeats us all.
And weary finally of this complexity, we dream of that long ago time when we sat upon our mother's knee and each kiss was the perfect consummation of our desires. What can we do in this Savage Garden but reach for the embrace that must now contain both heaven and hell: our doom again and again and again".

To all who have expressed concern toward my well-being after my last post, I appreciate the thought. I'm fine. Granted, I haven't yet caved and taken the sleeping pills, nor have I yet slept since the blackouts, and yes, I'm still exhausted, but I don't feel nearly as bad as I had.

My last paper is done, and with it, so too is my school semester! Sure, there are two exams left at the end of the month, but that's weeks away and I'm ready to write them tomorrow after all the work, reading and reviewing I've had to do just writing those monster-essays. Short stories, done. Poems, done. School until September? Fucking. Done. And with that, I think I'm going to be taking a break from that particular creative outlet, with a few exceptions, this blog included.
It's a strange feeling, not having that mounting stress on my shoulders anymore. It's renewing.
Now I'm only focused on making sure this summer is a memorable one. Last year was a huge disappointment and I was far too busy to really enjoy anything. We can't have a repeat performance of that, or I'll quite literally go insane. Well, ok, more out of my mind than I already am.

This bleak weather lately has everyone feeling down, but strangely, it hasn't been affecting me in the least. I suppose I'm so used to night-time and the dark that a few cloudy days doesn't really phase me, but even beyond that, I don't mind the rain like I used to.

The hermit days are dead and done.
And in the spirit of that, I'm excited for what's to come.

Also, never forget the classics. Some times just because it's in your past, doesn't mean it needs to be forgotten and certainly doesn't mean it can't still be enjoyed.

See you all at Foufs thursday.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


Insomnia, tonight was the last straw. I've endured you long enough. I hate hospitals. Absolutely loathe and despise hospitals. I always have and I think I always will.

Tonight was strange in general and I should have known something was up, but far be it from me to listen to what my body has to say. I've had a killer headache all day from the exhaustion, on top of having absolutely no energy at all. I hate canceling plans and more than anything, I hate breaking promises, and I hate to do both those things tonight just for how absolutely shitty I felt.

Deciding to rest, I grabbed my laptop and sat down on my bed, tried to kill some time and hopefully, just maybe get some sleep. Apparently that wasn't in the cards for me, howevI er. One second, I'm firing off rounds into zombie-brains online, next thing I know, someone is calling my name, I can't breathe and have this terrible taste in my mouth.

Turns out I had blacked out and fallen face first off my bed. The fall busted open my nose and both the bad taste and reason I couldn't breathe was for all the blood. My mother, who I'm guessing heard me fall, found me on the floor. I was sure I was fine and went to clean myself up, but oddly, the bleeding hadn't stopped. I was starting to feel light-headed and slightly nauseous. I'm told that bleeding for an extended length of time out of your face will do this to a person.

I must've blacked out, because the next thing I knew, I was sitting in the backseat of my Father's truck, on my way to the hospital. I wanted to die then and there. The rest of the drive may as well have been hell for me.

An hour of waiting in that lobby, watching everyone else was enough to have me shaking. Thankfully, the only thing I could smell was blood thanks to my fall, because anything is better than the smell of sterilized death that hospitals reek of. Finally, someone saw me. Lots of stupid questions, blood tests, bright lights in my eyes, other things I don't understand and all for them to tell me something I already knew. Extreme exhaustion, prone to blacking out, best cure is rest, blahblahblah. Sent on my not-so-merry way, though I was glad to be getting out of there at least.

Got a prescription written for sleeping pills. Don't really want to take them, but I do want to get some sleep. The worst part was I just keep thinking "I should've just gone out tonight." Especially because there was someone I really wanted to see...

I still have my headache, too.

I call do-overs on today.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Ignore This.

I'm going to offend you. I'm going to say things with unabashed arrogance and the utmost certainty, even if I don't believe in it myself just because I know I can. I will scrutinize and criticize every detail. What I'm saying is that I've a gift for being honest. These aren't the things you should be worried about.

In the battle of brain v.s. heart, in my case at least, you should be hoping they both destroy each other. Warm nights bring out the very worst in me and I feel like more and more, I'm becoming the person I had been. This, more than any reason, is why I spent so long cut off from friends and loved ones. Why I ignored calls and text-messages and lived like a recluse for months upon months.

I can't change because I'm sure that deep enough down, I don't want to.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Hell (I can go there!)

So, strange thing happened to me today. There I was, minding my own business waiting on a metro to show up so I could make my way downtown to class like I do every Monday morning. Same exact routine, same spot I always stand in, giant 750ml Monster in my hand, iPod blasting music, you get the picture.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice this old woman sitting on the bench. She looked sweet, frail and you just knew she was someone's loving grandmother. If I had a heart, it would've been considerably warmed. Well, the metro arrives and I step on. This far back and early in the morning, the place is empty so there are seats everywhere. Before I could sit down, however, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I was obviously surprised, I mean, I'm generally in my own little world whilst traveling, especially at 7 am when the rest of us generally function on autopilot. It was the old woman! She looked up at me and, in this sweet, remarkably unaccented english, told me flat out to go to hell. I wish I were kidding or exaggerating. Her exact words were "Go to hell."

I didn't even think to ask her why she'd say something like that. Do I give off the impression that I'm a menacing or bad person? (I'd kind of like that, not going to lie.) Generally, I'd have some witty response for the woman and would then continue to hand her back her proverbial ass. I did say something, in so much that I quoted Milton and told her that it'd be better to reign in hell, but even that I can't be sure why I said it. Hell instinctively makes me think Paradise Lost. I guess after that 25 page paper I had to crank out on it last semester, it shouldn't be that surprising. It was just a very odd exchange and I've been thinking about it all day. I can't, for the life of me, imagine what I could've done to make this woman wish eternal damnation upon me.

If I believed in souls, or an afterlife, that would have been deeply upsetting!

In other news, two more weeks until the semester is done and I'll be blissfully free, on vacation for the summer! Three essays, two short stories, five poems and a research paper away from freedom. No problem!

Then, even more incredibly, another two months until the Italy trip. I had the choice between spending two days in Spain or in England before going to Italy itself and deciding has been a headache and a half.

A lot of people have been doing this lately and I've been giving it serious thought as well, but on the subject of traveling, I think that once I finish my B.A. for Lit/Creative Writing, I'm going to participate in that "Teach Abroad For A Year" program they have going on. Particularly Japan, because let's face it, I want to ride in their giant robots. It'd be an amazing experience, not to mention I'd love to just be able to drop everything a live a completely new life for a year...and in Japan of all places! My only real hesitation is learning the language, but I have plenty of time (re: two years) to get that done, or at least a solid feel for it.

I'm sorry this entry is more in the personal vein and less in the witty, arrogant ramblings I usually engage in. I promise, there'll be plenty of that coming up, as well as two new videos I've been working on and meaning to finish. I haven't neglected you, intarwebz!

Old ladies suck.

To my Insomnia,

It's nearly 4:30 am. Again. Please do me a favor and take a vacation or something? I am getting more and more restless and you're turning me into a zombie. Not that I don't enjoy the extra time for everything and the other fun perks that come with never sleeping, but we need some time apart.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Here Comes The Sun

Something is in the air. I don't know what, but I can feel it. It's coming with the Spring and it feels good. I've had this excitement about me the last few days. I don't so much have that sinking ship feeling. Instead, it feels like she already went down and now I'm floating along, alone at sea on driftwood and I'm headed somewhere new. Of course, it's exciting. I've always been one for newness and adventure, but drifting is such a lonesome affair.

My life is starting to resemble an actual life again, and not just an ongoing sequence of routine, gravitated around academic and monetary obligations. Can't be sure that this will end well, but if I never take the chance, how will I know?

The semester is drawing near to it's end and as can be expected of me, I'm hilariously behind on my work. The stress that comes with it, however, is gone. It's sort of liberating. I trust myself, though. I know it will get done, I know I'll be fine. This new optimism is strange to me, but I'm liking it.

In keeping with Spring cleaning, I've emptied out my iPod and filled it up with music that feels appropriate. Essentially it's the new Metric, Camera Obscura and New Found Glory albums on endless repeat, with the occasional pause for Girl Talk for late-night dance sessions across the bedroom floor.

I know that nothing is going to make sense. I know things can and will get messy again, and I know I'll get lost again and again. I need to remember that it's fine. Taking chances used to be so easy, it's time we stopped being afraid of risks or consequences.

I've fallen back in love with 4 am. I drunkenly stumbled back into her arms Saturday night, with my first genuine smile in a long, long time. I managed to sleep for the first time in a while that morning. It was nice.

Now, for tonight! I've got a spoon, a full container of nutella and season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to keep me fueled 'til morning.

I'll leave you all with this, because it is absolutely pant-wetting. I am so absolutely excited for this movie, you can't possibly understand.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Useless Super-Power OR Disney Makes You Want to Fall In Love

Why is it that whenever I look at a clock, the time is an even number? With the possible exception of my always catching 11:11 (which adds up to an even number anyways) I always catch those nice, even numbers. Like now, for instance! 3:40 a.m.

How was everyone's St. Patrick's Day? I'm hoping it was, at the very least, a step above the usual day! While I did manage to get some celebrating in, (in the form of Guinness and Jameson) I came to an interesting realization. I don't own any green clothing! Repeated trips through my closet (and Narnia, which is conveniently hidden right behind it, making for excellent storage space!) yielded nothing! In fact, outside of red, gray, black and one instance of pink and purple, I don't own very many colours at all! I'm using this as a wonderful excuse to go shopping, it should be fun. My plan is a simple one, I'm going to seek out colours that I'd never normally wear and just go for it, regardless of how ridiculous I think I'll look. Pictures are sure to follow.

I caught a pin in my eye tonight, it wasn't very pleasant at all. I was using one to clean out the gaps between letters on my keyboard and somehow managed to spring it upwards, into my squishy, seeing-orb. Beyond momentary pain, a wounded ego and a good laugh at my own expense, no damage seems to be done. I guess I'm lucky when it comes to my misfortunes.

I've spent the last few hours cuddled up in bed watching Disney films and it's warming my heart. The evening started off with Fantasia, as I haven't watched the full movie in years. I used to be particularly terrified of the scenes involving Mickey Mouse and the moving brooms because the Master Wizard looked so sinister, and even worse, the Night on Bald Mountain scene! I've found a new appreciation for it, but that wizard still makes my skin crawl.

Anyways, I followed up that film with The Little Mermaid because I was in the mood for a timeless classic and it was the first one readily available. Is it just me or does watching the Kiss The Girl scene just never cease to melt your heart? I think this is the only movie in the world that can make me feel like I want to fall completely in love. I want to be someone's Prince Eric! Auditions for the Ariel role starting now!

Following that, I went into an extremely under-appreciated, forgotten gem: The Great Mouse Detective. This Disney parody of Sherlock Holmes is completely and utterly brilliant. I don't know why this one isn't as celebrated as it's many, many companions. I'm calling shenanigans on this.

Tomorrow night...or rather, should I be saying tonight? Either way, the Bloc Party show is in just over 12 hours and I am much more excited about it than I thought I would be. Frankly, Intimacy just didn't impress me as much as their previous works. When I first heard it, outside of a few tracks (Signs and Zephyr spring to mind) I thought it was forgettable at best. It's grown on me, though! Here's hoping the performance is as good.

Thursday night is the Underoath/Norma Jean concert. It feels really weird staring down a ticket to this show. Maybe that's just the nostalgia kicking in because I haven't been to a hardcore show in longer than I'd like to admit. Underoath, especially! Despite the fact that I'll undoubtedly be surrounded by a sea of 14 year olds in get-ups the rest of us had been rocking in 2004, I'm positive it's going to be a blast. If they play When the Sun Sleeps, I am going to lose my shit and call everyone from the Dawson Third Floor crew, mark my words.

See? I just did it again! It's 4:02 now. Talk about useless super-powers.

Right then, I'm going to end this here.

(But seriously, looking for an Ariel. I want Disney romance time.)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Shinking Ships.

For the last few days, I've had this weight on me that I couldn't quite explain or understand. It was a sort of sinking feeling, like everything was rushing up at once and engulfing me. I wrote it off, like I do anything anymore, thinking that it was nothing more than stress from school.

Strange thing though, today. I met up with a friend (who, at her request, shall remain nameless.) and we spent some time together. Coffee, lunch, nothing complicated. We both had some errands to run this morning, so why not get together? At any rate, during the sit-down, half way through my hot chocolate and in the middle of our discussion, a strange thing happened. I had both my hands resting on the table, one holding onto my mug, the other laying casually. While this friend was speaking, her hand brushed over my free one and time stopped. Suddenly, I wasn't sinking anymore. The weight had dissipated and all that was left was this calm feeling.

I realized then and there just how cut off from everyone I truly have become. I haven't so much as even made contact with another person in weeks prior to that moment. No hugs, no hand shakes, nothing. It was the strangest realization. Now, I'm sitting here at 5:44 in the morning and thinking about all the things I've forgotten.

I can't think of the last kiss I meant, the last hand I held or the last word I said and genuinely felt. Instead, I've turned into some sort of robot in the way that I follow my routine, cut myself off and eliminate any chance at real interaction anymore.

And that essentially sums it up. I've become a flesh-and-blood robot.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


I am having a hard time finding things both clever and worth saying on this blog. I feel this is because for the last little while, my life has been wholly unexciting; an empty shell of what my life normally is and should be.

Why, you might ask! Well, that's simple. Midterms are over and now, the crunch to make it to my finals has begun. I have upwards of 8 essays to write over the coming weeks, three short stories, two in-depth analysis papers and a set of works written by other classmates that I need to peer-edit. In short, my head is spinning and I've not the energy or the time to go out on an adventure. This makes me sad. Very, very sad.

On the bright side, all this time spent sitting in front of a computer has given me a mountain of new bands to listen to. Nothing in the universe excites me more than having an iPod freshly loaded with artists that I've never heard before and a long trip to listen to them on. What with this cold, I'm left taking the bus and wandering downtown which is always nice but...

I'm craving summer and it's getting bad. I miss walking around parks and neighborhoods at 4 a.m. when I have nothing else to do thanks to my darling friend, insomnia. I miss scorching hot days that make you glad there's ice cream in your belly and a pool in your backyard. I miss that feeling of the cool breeze against you, and the way the night air feels so very alive.

So, while downtown today I saw a sign that said "God is not a Science." Apparently this is part of a campaign to keep religion out of public schools, but more specifically, to keep the creationism theory out of science classes. I love it. It's about time some logical opinion was voiced publicly instead of the usual "go to church or go to hell", "jesus saves" nonsense.

I am dying for new Gossip Girl episodes. Monday cannot come fast enough.

And finally, I did a video for a friend's youtube channel! She needed someone to throw questions at and asked me if I was interested. I couldn't refuse! The end result was kind of incredible, so watch it!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Vote Now!

Well, I've certainly put off writing in here for some time now! I wish I had some clever, wonderful and time-consuming-to-explain-so-as-to-better-fill-this-blog reason for that. The truth is that I've simply nothing to say! Shocking, I know! The king of perpetual slip of the tongue, master of the rant-en-masse, with not so much as few words to cobble together for his three or four internet readers.

My apologies, loves! It shan't happen again, not at least for a few days! But this does bring up a vexing issue: I've still nothing to say! Oh, sure, I've managed to write this far in without having anything, sure, but one can only work wit from nothingness for so long before it grows stale!

A quick update on the life-and-times of Jav, The Avenger. Well, for the last few days I've been completely out of commission. What started out as a hang over turned into me losing my voice and mutating into a full blown virus. Coughing, sneezing, projectile rainbows in the middle of the night, cuddling with my long-time lover, the toilet bowl! Not how I imagined the opening weekend to my reading week vacation would pass, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel somewhat relaxed by just sitting in bed under no obligation to do anything for once.

Thankfully, my voice is now starting to return and my Wolverine-esque immune system is destroying what illness I may have once known. Hopefully, the rest of this week can be spent relaxing, filming more videos, writing and enjoying the (read: drunken) company of friends.

Finally, I have a favor to ask of you, my darling readers! A question in dire need of being answered, and with honesty! A question of the utmost importance, the outcome of which could shape the fate of all!

Should I keep my hair as it is, allow it to grow out or cut it short once more?
Which do you think I should go with? I've provided pictures below, tell me what you think!


Weirder? /Shorter?

Cut it all off?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I Could Swear I Heard You Say...

The 9th went by without a single thought. Old scars seem to be nothing more than marks on skin and I can say, after all these years, the weight of it is almost gone completely. In fact, none of it had even occurred to me until just now, as I wrote the day for an essay I had only just finished and realized what it signified.

Old news, isn't it? Sure, but I wasn't quite so thick-skinned then. Have I grown? I can only hope. This isn't to say that I've forgotten, just that I don't have to carry it around on my shoulders anymore. I used to wonder if you'd catch the day and if it meant the same to you, but I've come to accept that other ghosts will haunt you, not mine. There was a time where I would have said that you are my only ghost, but I don't quite feel so haunted anymore.

This song has always meant a lot to me for all the memories I've associated to it, but now that I've finally lived the words, it takes on a whole new depth. It has been on loop for the last half-hour.

The End of an Era - Hopesfall

All this to say it all goes on!

p.s. Sorry, I know this is cryptic as hell and I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm talking about. That's fine.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Midterms Cause Cancer.

I am what I am, for who else could I be?

I don't know what it is about me at the moment, but I feel strange. I know that I'm far from having achieved anything truly noteworthy and I know that I'm still far from near the end of the road when it comes to school. The list of things (it exists!) I want to do before I'm 25 (oh god, I don't even want to think about it.) isn't any shorter, and quite frankly, I've slacked off on essentially everything.

So why do I feel so content with myself? What's with this satisfactory feeling washing over me and how do I get it to stick around?

What's on the agenda for tomorrow, Javvy?
Go-go-gadget midterms.

p.s. I got a Twitter. It's kind of extremely addictive and I think everyone needs to get on there with me. Do it, or feel the wrath of my team of zombie crack ninja babies.

p.p.s. this video made me die laughing.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

We Only Come Out At Night

So, it's 4:44 a.m. I figure that's an appropriate time as any to start writing a new blog for the week. It's sunday! Ha, that means I've a day left to finish two papers that I probably won't even consider starting until sometime around midnight. That's dedication for you!

I've been playing on my computer a lot of late, and I don't mean games. What with my new-found hobby of vlog-making, I've been goofing around quite a bit with all the editing software I can get my hands on. Beyond that, I found a torrent full of great VSTi plugins for Adobe Auditions, Mixcraft and my personal favorite? An 8-bit synth sequencer for FL Studio. Basically, I've been composing NES-era music all weekend. It's a ridiculous amount of fun, except that it's worrisome how much time I can actually, willing spend sitting here, in front of this screen.

Oh well! I've had a social life, it's overrated. Besides, so long as it's still winter, I'm going to continue to be a hermit. In that regard, I've been sober for two weeks now. Two whole weeks. That isn't to say I haven't had a drink or twenty, but not drunk! Ha, I haven't done something quite like this since...well, when I had to go those six months after the alcohol poisoning fiasco. Wet shrimp, anyone? Girls just want to have fun will never be the same, ever.

I'm in a strange place at the moment. I'm feeling this intense need to be as creative as humanly possible in as many ways as I can imagine, but at the same time, I don't actually feel motivated to do anything productive. Of course, I blame academia for this and the many stressing and discouraging factors that come as a result of college life. All the same, it feels good to have so many outlets at my finger-tips again. Especially in terms of music, which is something I had (foolishly) cut out of my life for some time.


Uh, Blink 182 reunion! What the hell? Talk about completely out of nowhere. Wasn't Tom Delonge just saying not too long ago that he wouldn't ever play those songs again just because he's "grown up" or something? Whatever the reason, this should be interesting even if only for the sake of nostalgia. The last two years have been full of great bands getting back together. Death From Above? Take a page from it. Oh, hey, Mars Volta? Sparta? Join forces. Get back to being At the Drive-In, kthnx.

Someone told me today that they think the 90's are going to make a comeback, but really, is that such a good idea? I mean, sure Nickelodeon was spectacular and t.v. in general was at it's best but...

do we really want grunge to happen a second time? Or what about Nu-Metal? Baggy jeans and extra-large band t-shirts with backwards baseball caps or cotton-flannel shirts three sizes too big over baggy jeans? On the bright side, we could bring Kurt Cobain back to life so he can kill himself again. I'd be perfectly down with that.


No idea what I'm writing about anymore, which means it's as good a time as any to stop.

p.s. Chrissy, I found the photobooth picture. I stuck it in my wallet to show you next chance I get. Methinks it time we takes some new ones, too!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


I'm jumping on the bandwagon and making youtube videos now.

I'm lame, I know, but it's fun.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Wax Wings:Rough Draft + Haiku

She knew nothing of soaring. Wax wings could never attain great heights, nor support the loftiness of her ambitions. The breeze did nothing to lift her spirits. She felt the wind like thousands of tiny good-bye kisses, giving her weight. Never hers was the breathlessness of dancing upon the clouds, or kissing the horizon as the sun made it's debut. She could not move effortlessly from here to there, nor cast away her chains; something of which she was constantly aware.

But still she danced and danced, for hers was the gravity of knowing her steps left markings in the sand that even if only temporarily, re-affirmed that she had been there. Hers was the depth of understanding that she alone would be welcomed into the open embrace of the roaring sea.

So she lept, with baited breath, to meet with new expanses or her doom again and again. Hers had been a narrow view, framed by iron bars that spoke nothing of the approaching dawn that crept out from beneath the starlight, for she knew nothing of dreams.

And now she knows of falling.
She knew nothing of the bright, blue sky.

Kiss to break the pace;
Romance is a shallow dream,
Love to kill the time.

Monday, February 2, 2009

They Think I Might Be A Queen!

I told myself a thousand times that I would try and get some sleep tonight. It doesn't seem to be working. Worse, I'm starting to get the mother of all headaches. Watching the Steelers take the Superbowl at Adam's while destroying my body with more chicken wings, nachos and chili than it was even meant to consume was good times, as always.

I've got two papers to write for Wednesday and one for Friday, not to mention a test thursday afternoon on material I haven't even bothered to read yet. Can you say fallen desperately behind?

Spring needs to get here and quick.

So, I have a question to ask of anyone that reads this. Do I act or seem gay to you? I don't care one way or another, it won't change anything at all, but it's something that's been getting thrown in my direction lately. Nothing against anyone who is, but what the fuck? I mean, granted it has never come from anyone who actually knows me, not until today at least, but it's really strange. I can't think of anything I do that would give that impression, but lately I've apparently just been giving off that vibe? I get asked by the other people in my classes, friends of friends, my brother's friends, and now even my own father!

Awkward story time:
I got home from watching the football game and my Dad was watching some of the post-game coverage on the couch in the living room. He says hi, asks me to sit down and brings up some of the junk going on with my brother at the moment. I'm thinkin' nothing of any of this until he just outright asks me "So...are you gay?"

At first, I thought he was joking and the surprise of it made me burst out laughing. Then he gave me the "I mean it" look and my head filled with a million and one questions, though mainly "how in the fuck?" over and over again. His basis for wanting to know is simply because while I seem to have many friends who are girls, I haven't actually "dated" anyone in years, and in his words, "what with your pants always so tight and your hitler hair-cut (he's apparently been listening to radiohead), I can't tell anymore." I tried to reassure him, but I think he remains unconvinced.

It's kind of hilarious, but it's not a joke I want to last very long.

Oh well, at least I have my guilty pleasure in Gossip Girl to look forward to tonight. Good times.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Finally, Let's Distinguish When Connections Fall Away

Funny thing, exhaustion. Not Ha-Ha funny in the comedic sense of the word, nor is it ironic, or even so much as an amusing notion as it is a peculiar thing. I've just now slept for about half an hour. When I came around, realizing what had happened, another realization occurred. I'm more tired after now having slept, thought only briefly, than when I had been awake for an extended period of time. Worse still, I'm now groggy and uncoordinated, which is making things harder than they should be.

Also, as much as I appreciate the concern of some, please stop suggesting that I "just take sleeping pills." If it were that simple, don't you think I would have come up with the idea myself a long time ago? The simple fact is that I hate unnecessary medication and loathe having to rely on some pill just to function "normally".

Anyways, all this to say I felt better having not slept at all than I do now, having finally gotten a bit of rest.

At the moment, I'm having a Hannibal Lecter marathon. I started with Manhunter, went into Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal and just now started Red Dragon, which is my personal favorite.

My writing is essentially out of practice and worse, I have a whole slew of assignments due over the coming week...

but none of that matters because this is Superbowl Weekend. Blah, blah, blah, I know, why should a Canadian care about American Football, or why do I care about sports at all, I've heard it before and the answer is just as simple:

A) The CFL is just an outright cluster fuck of suck. An epic-fail fiasco, I don't care what anyone says. I love our country and all, but wow, the CFL is a child that should have been aborted twice; once with a coat hanger and again with a well-placed Falcon Punch straight to the gut.

b)How can you not love strategy and violence? That's really all there is to it. Not surprised that my team didn't go all the way this year for a second season straight, but hey, anything is better than another Patriots victory. Who'd have thought the Cardinals, of all teams, would get into the playoffs, let alone the division champs, let alone into the superbowl at all. The Steelers are still going to crush them, but hey, they made a good run of it. Many beers will be ingested, many nachos and chicken wings will be consumed.

Thanks to a conversation today, my love for the tamagotchi has been restored and I'm eagerly seeking some out. Not just any dollar-store dino will suffice, either! I'm looking for one of those bad-ass ones that could connect to the others and fight! Or, better still, those Pokemon tamagotchi like the Pikachu or the Togepi. I will not rest until I have a new digital pet.,

I can't stop listening to the more recent Damiera album. It is outright brilliant. Essentially, they sound like the love child of The Fall of Troy and Minus the Bear.

Immure - Damiera

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Holy Shit.

I miss these guys, these days and that life. Still, we gave it up for a reason.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


You guys realize that I have a tracker on my blog, right? That nifty little box over on the right gives me all kinds of interesting stats; not just how many people visited this page or that sort of thing.

To the person who comes to my blog every Monday morning, using Internet Explorer 6 from Laval? You're running Windows ME and that is terribly worrisome, buddy. All the same, I love that you always come to my blog directly after reading's main page. It's very flattering to think that right after you've caught up on significant world events, you like to come see what is going on in the land of Jav.

To the Mac user from the UK who stumbled upon my blog, I'm assuming by accident, through googling "how do I use javex to clean the blood off my jeans", I have to say, I had hoped you'd know better. Javex is -terrible- for your jeans and will end up bleaching them to death, ruining both the color and fading them out insanely beyond that. If you want my advice, let it soak in warm water for a while then give it a good wash with a strong detergent.

As a side note and point of pride: I just beat Mega Man X entirely in 43 minutes and 22 seconds. Bad-fucking-ass.

What's in Your Head?

Wow, the adventures never seem to cease around here. By that, of course, I mean that I'm bored out of my mind. I cannot stand Friday nights when there is absolutely nothing to do, if only because of the added suck of knowing that it is friday night, after all.

I sort of broke my phone tonight, too. By sort of, I mean that it got snapped in half. Yes, for those that know me, this is the shitty Razr that I had replacing my other phone, which met a watery end. During the night's adventures over in the land of BlogTV with the ever-amazing Gwynzilla, I sort of dropped my power-ranger morpher onto my spare laptop battery which, in turn, fell and dragged my t.v. converter down with it onto my cell phone, which was charging on the floor. One loud crash later and, thanks to gravity, I am now without a cell phone. Hopefully I can find some other old, shitty replacement lying around until I can buy a new one...but really, enough is enough. This is three cell phones in the span of two months.

It's only week three into the semester and I already feel like I'm behind on so much material. Two papers to write, a 5 page poem, two short stories and an exam to study for. Oh, how I miss the simple times of getting drunk at 10 a.m., going to Rat Hole and just playing guitar all day.

In non-shitty news, I randomly got a cheque in the mail the other day for some piece of prose I got published like, two years ago. I hadn't thought about it in a really long time and while it's only something like 70$, that is still pretty sweet to have dropped on your lap.

I guarantee it won't last me through the weekend, though.

It is fucking cold outside right now and I never would have made the voyage if not for these:

Who needs sleep when I can get fat and have a heart attack instead?
Good times.

As always, I'm leaving you with yet another video. This one is from one of my favorite songs from the 90's. I'm actually recording a cover of this song, in parody, for Left 4 Dead. Maybe I'll share it here when done, but that's doubtful.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Durex has earned my undying loyalty.

I know I generally post nothing but youtube videos, but I think I'm going to develop that into a segment of my blog, wherein I share whatever I'm watching at the moment or whatever I find particularly interesting with you.

Faona made my night by sharing this with me and I am absolutely in love with this commercial.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Don't Need You, I Want You.

I miss this band incredibly. Probably one of the best performances ever given on O'Brien's show.

Monday, January 12, 2009

It's Just A Little Too Late.

3:17 a.m.

I have to go with my Dad to the airport for 5:45, which means I'm leaving at 4:30. I have class at 10:15. I don't know why he needs to to go along, but I guess it gives me something to do with the time I'd have otherwise spent continuing my Veronica Mars marathon tonight. Tomorrow is going to be interesting, I can say that much for certain. I'm looking forward to the 3 hour break, if only so I can get a nap in. He's off to Dallas, Texas for a week on business, I sort of wish I could go with him just for the change of scenery.

Some of you asked me about my last post and what it meant. I'm surprised some of you didn't figure it out and at the same time, not surprised that some others did not. All the same, it's fairly simple once you know the trick. The block of letters is a distraction; though they help the process once you know the key to it. The numbers represent letters in the alphabet as they appear in sequential order. A=1, B=2, C=3 and so on. The order of the numbers arranges the letters to create the message. The block of letters represent the letters I used, and the reason the same ones are repeated represent which letters I've flagged with the numerical sequence. Have fun figuring it out now!

Daniel Rossen of Grizzly Bear did a cover of Jojo's summer pop hit "Too Little, Too Late." Elliot, the brilliant Brit that he is, shared it with me and I haven't been able to stop listening to it ever since. I figured I'd share it with the rest of you all.